[Tigereyes]

I won't be okay soon though. I'm actually okay with that; I can survive until a certain point if it'll get better. But there's reason to believe it won't ever get better, that it will only continue to get worse--maybe for years or decades, maybe forever.

I've tried talking to people. They either don't understand or can't help me. Everyone I can talk to is a new adult like me, and half of us have parents who aren't supportive and accepting. My parents will likely never support me. My job has been slowly killing me and destroying my sense of self by forcing me to do things I am morally against. For low pay. I survived it to save and not get evicted from my apartment. Then I was supposed to sacrifice my life for this job, so I finally quit. Now I have trauma to work through for that, again with minimal support. I have enough money to last until the end of my lease, and that's maybe it. I will have $0 and $30k of debt after that. My parents don't know yet that I quit, and I don't want them to know. They think I'm being stupid. I know there's real financial concern, but I cut out all spending for many years (besides necessities) to give myself my best chance. I did the math. They think COVID is fake. They think my chronic illness is not a disability. I'm tired of trying to explain my pain to have it invalidated and laughed at by my own parents. Not to mention that I'm aro ace and nonbinary; I'm not out to my parents and never intend to come out to them because they won't support me. They don't even believe in those identities, and my mom is quite homophobic.

I'm currently not living alone, but I'm still paying my full rent until my lease is up in 6 months because I can't break the lease, even if I die. I still have space alone. I have felt hopeless like this for years. Kept pushing myself through it for it to only keep getting significantly worse. I can't take the pain, stress, and fear anymore. I deserve better than this constant suffering. I have fought so hard to get better, despite people including my parents telling me to go back to the person I was before. Nothing will change anytime soon. Not for the better at least. Distracting myself doesn't work with nothing meaningful in my life. It might help for an hour out of 24 hours, but it's constantly on my mind. Distracting myself doesn't fix the lack of financial resources I have or the lack of emotional support available to me. Extra money would at least allow me to get therapy, but I have no way to get enough money for that anytime soon (even if I hadn't quit my job, it was nowhere near enough). I'm just so exhausted, and doctors won't even treat my fatigue that I have done research on and believe has another medical cause. I'm just done.