[Tigereyes]

I'm not good at being sober, I don't want to be sober, being sober has always sucked. They said it would get easier. Sobriety is just pain and suffering, PTSD, depression, anxiety, chronic illness, chronic fatigue. Suffering. I can never do anything right while sober. I still can't make friends 6 years after they promised that I'd make friends soon. I have minimal support. I'm barely holding on. Maybe I can't have faith in some stupid impossible future because I have no reason to believe in one. I was going to kill myself last August. And the October before that. And several times before that. Each time I wanted to give myself a chance to live. To find meaning and hope and joy in life. But still no. And now I might die anyway from COVID or starvation despite how hard I choose to fight to stay alive. Nothing I can do fucking matters. It's still me suffering alone, unintentionally hurting the ones I love by occasionally letting any signs of suffering show. I'm exhausted from this. There's no hope, no light. There never has been.