[Tigereyes]

I don't know where else to put this. Please feel free to move it.

TW: chronic illness mention, COVID-19, thoughts of suicide and death due to illness, debt.

I'm high risk for severe illness if I get COVID-19. My workplace might make me go back next week when it's never been more dangerous. They don't have a good detailed plan to keep us safe. I work at a large university, so my boss is only able to help me as the university allows. I have some savings but no extra money anymore, so unpaid leave isn't sustainable to outlast a pandemic with no effective treatment and no vaccine. New drugs and vaccines are a long ways off; I studied this in high level college courses, so please don't say there will be a miracle drug or treatment soon (I guarentee I won't have access to it by next week). I do not have any therapy money (not a penny), so please do not recommend that; although I'm open to free resources.

I don't want to die. I'm at zero risk for doing so as long as I don't get sick. But if I get COVID-19, which I likely will if I go back to work, ESPECIALLY right now, I keep thinking how slow and agonizing and miserable and lonely that death would be. If I miraculously recover, I expect I'll be even more disabled, and my quality of life already sucks because of my current chronic illnesses and student loan debt. If I'm going to die, I'd rather get it over with quicker. I can't break myself out of these thoughts. I keep focusing on death. I don't have good support.