[MongoliaLFS]

I am a 15 year old cis girl (lesbian). All throughout my life i have often rejected and actively avoided traditionally "feminine" things. I can count the number of times i have worn makeup on one hand and when i was little i would always insist that i would "never care about fashion" and other things i deemed girly. I cut my hair short and my friend group was a bunch of rowdy boys, of which i was arguably the rowdiest. Whenever we talked about girls i "didnt count" as one, and my mom described me as a tomboy growing up. I was raised mormon and i didnt like it, and as soon as i was old enough to be taken out of the mixed gender primary classes and put into the female only classes in church i found it very unsettling and i left the church shortly after. I avoided lots of feminine stuff for no other reason than it made me feel unsettled. But lately (in a broad, building feeling over years sense) i understand femininity to be a beautiful thing. Gentle and fierce force that is indescribable. But thats only if its treated gently. I fear the concept of showing femininity. I dont know why, and its caused by a lot of things, but i feel like people would view me differently if i showed it. Like i would be defined by being a girl who does girly things instead of everything i have done and accomplished in my life. I dont want to be just some girl, i want to be an incredible person that loves people and is loved by people, regardless of gender. I have a very distinct personality that is memorable, and i fear it may be washed away in the minds of people if i were more like other girls. I feel very feminine, and i dont know what to do about it. Also i dont feel like this about masculinity at all. I dont really understand masculinity, and it is if anything a bit unpleasant to me based on what men act like and get away with sometimes that women dont (i dont really know how to describe it). How do i come to terms with embracing femininity instead of pushing it away?