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Re: I'm a burden -
January 28th 2020, 06:31 PM
First of all, I want to start with your final statement. The wanting to disappear; but not feeling suicidal. I know that feeling, it's like (and this is myself, not sure if you can relate) you want to run away from the life you have and start over somewhere new. I'm struggling to accept this myself and, again, not sure if this relates to you; but it's not going to solve anything if you pack up and leave your life behind. Because honestly, starting over somewhere new without being in touch with those you've left behind is scary. You never know what the outcome of that will be; so, if that's how you're feeling, I suggest creating a list of pros and cons. Maybe it will work out for you if you plan well in advance and save up enough money. Especially in this day and age with social media.
But again, not sure if this relates; so sorry if that was completely irrelevant. 
I can empathize on your side and your parents' side. I know from reading your blogs you are just as frustrated as they are with your disorders and disabilities. Your mother, at least, sounds like she is trying to be supportive and if you had a good conversation with her, do you think it's possible to let her know that you are feeling frustrated too? Perhaps write it down so the next time you talk to her, you are prepared to tell her what you want to without having it be spur of the moment when you're on the phone with her. Continue to be open and honest with your mother.
Now, getting to what your parents are considering for you... I can see why you would (again, not sure if this is what you mean) want to pack up and leave town. Group homes have such a negative stigma surrounding them, especially when you look at historical data of institutions and psychiatric hospitals in the late 19th century through the 1970s. I don't know much about institutional reforms that took place in the 1970s and 1980s—and I am sure there are a few that still needs to catch up—I suggest doing research on them. Look up organizations for the disabled and mental health support groups. Have your parents be a part of it, I think that's probably what your mother is feeling most upset about; you not letting her in and be as involved as she would like. I do not really know the history you have with your family; and it's totally up to you how much you want to disclose to your mom, but if she is going to be a part of this I think you should let her.
You need all the support you can get; you are not a burden. 
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