[Tigereyes]

The truth is, I'm still struggling. I've never felt so lost before. I don't know what to do, where to go, who I am, or who I want to be. I'm just wandering in the dark, with no one to guide me. I need a light, but even the stars have faded to nothing. I should be happy now, but it all feels fake. It's easier to stay alive for now, but how long until reality makes itself clear again, and the truth comes crashing back down? Because we're both just running. We've buried the pain instead of resolving it. The resentments are boiling beneath the surface, waiting until the perfect moment to release themselves and destroy everything I've worked so hard for. I want to forgive, to see the light again, to feel hope and love. But I can't erase the heaviness that holds me down. I can wipe away the tears, but they stain my face forever. I want to move forward, but I feel trapped, lost, alone, scared. Broken, worthless, hopeless, crazy--that's how you made me feel, and time can't change that. Why would I want to put myself through all that again? Why should I give you what I needed for so long when you couldn't--wouldn't--offer me the same? You broke me beyond repair, and I think you still believe you were right. I don't know if you were, but what you did has caused me permanent scars. I really do want to forgive and move forward, but I'm not sure I can. I certainly don't know how. I'm too afraid to face any of this with a clear mind. I feel distant and disconnected. I don't know that I can ever find myself again. I don't know that I want to. So what do I do now? Where do I go from here? How do I find my way in the darkest night? How do I find the strength to heal without the resources needed? How do you hold on to hope with no external support? I can't reach out to anyone anymore. It kills me, but I can't make myself be vulnerable again. I'd rather suffer alone. I am alone. Addiction thrives in isolation--that's what they say. Isolation has made itself at home a long time ago.