[Tigereyes]

I can't focus on the job search anymore. I just want out. And if I don't get an offer soon, I'll have to take my only way out. Thing is, I don't want to. But I can't go on like this anymore. I'm going to have to constantly get fucked up just to push through this. But I won't be able to keep up with that, and it probably won't get me a job. So damned if I do, damned if I don't. Why fucking waste time and energy I don't have. The outcome won't be any different. There's no hope anyone can offer me. They say to get help. But I don't have a fucking job to move the fuck out. A job and moving out would drastically improve everything. Then maybe I could get by. And if I got lucky enough to have any extra money, it still won't be enough for professional help. But I'd sure as hell take help if I was lucky enough to be able to afford it.

One of my friends who spent like one day applying to a handful of jobs already has a decent full time job. I still have zero offers. Rejection after rejection after rejection.

And everyone else who doesn't have tens of thousands of dollars of student loans and a broken home wants to rant to me about how difficult job searching is. But they won't let me say SHIT about anything relating to that because me struggling is too much for them to handle.

Everyone wants me to get over it and be positive and believe in the impossible. Well I'm tired of faking a smile just so it makes others more comfortable. I'm tired of no one listening to me. I don't reach out anymore because it only hurts more when people push me and my pain away. They always say they're there for me, that they can handle it. But no one can. Unfortunately, I've reached out a little bit at all out of desperation because I can't handle it either. And then after that I don't reach out anymore. Then the same people get mad that I don't reach out. So.... I'm fine, I guess.

Also who the fuck would hire someone as depressed and anxious and stressed and desperate as I am lately? That's right, no one. You're supposed to be happy and positive and calm and collected and not desperate. I'm pretty good at faking, but I'm so low on energy, and I'm not THAT good.