[Celyn]

While we can't say for sure that what you are experiencing is social anxiety, it sounds like it could be. It also sounds like it takes a toll on your self-esteem too.

I understand that it must be difficult for you having previously prided yourself on being solitary only to find that you need more human contact than you realised, and yet you feel you struggle with that too.

It also makes sense that even though you have close friends, that if you aren't able to spend much time with them, that the anxiety could come creeping back in. For me, I find that I have to do things frequently in order to keep the anxiety at bay as if I go a long time without doing something, the anxiety will come back. Familiarity, the same friends and seeing them often can be much less anxiety inducing than meeting new people/people you aren't close to, so you aren't alone in feeling this way.

When we are used to our own company, it can be difficult adjusting to socialising with others. There's nothing wrong with enjoying solidarity and it makes sense that if you feel you have some difficult socialising that you would feel ashamed about it. But try not to feel ashamed (I know that's easier said than done) as that only makes you feel worse about yourself and future social situations.

It may be that if you aren't engaging much in the conversation that someone will ask you something to try to involve you. But maybe they might be asking out of genuine curiosity? If you are still convinced that they are only asking you questions because they see you not talking then try not to take it personally (again, I know that's hard). You aren't responsible for how other people feel or behave. You aren't making others feel awkward around you or feel that they are in some way responsible for you. If they do feel that way, then that's their own feelings and they are responsible for them, not you.

It's entirely your decision whether to continue going to these gatherings. If you choose to continue going, I'm wondering if you can think of ways to break out of the cycle of not talking unless someone is speaking to you and then feeling bad about it? Perhaps you can try thinking beforehand of things you can talk about or ask someone else (it's good asking others questions as it allows them to talk about themselves and takes the pressure of you a bit). You can also look up resources online for social anxiety, how to socialise or social skills if you feel it might help. You might also want to try to challenge yourself and approach someone first. If all else fails, try not to feel bad if someone approaches you and tries to engage you. It seems like you prefer being with your close friends who know you well and there's nothing wrong with that (though I know it's difficult when you don't get to spend much time with your close friends).

Again, it's up to you how long to stay in the social situation. For anxiety, as said above, it can help to stay with the discomfort and try not to leave early as overtime you may notice yourself feel more comfortable. But if it's more to do with how you feel about yourself, you may want to try challenging those thoughts and trying to find a way to engage as you may notice that if you aren't engaging, you may be thinking and feeling negatively about yourself and that might just continue until either you are engaged and the anxiety lessens or you leave.

I'm wondering what you are interested in and what you enjoy during your spare time? Sometimes going to gatherings and socialising with chit chat aren't for everyone, and it may help to find meetups and clubs/groups that focus on your own interests as you may naturally come across others with similar interests which may make it easier when it comes to socialising.

You aren't alone in feeling these things. I definitely have felt that way and barely said a word all throughout school let alone when it came to meeting up with friends. I also have friends and family who feel the same too. For us, it's a mixture of anxiety and potentially aspergers.

I'm wondering if you have ever spoken to a professional about these concerns? It seems to be affecting you a lot so it might be worth getting it checked out. There's nothing necessarily 'wrong' with you that you need to 'fix' but it can help to talk to a professional and figure out if there are things that you can do to help ease what you are feeling. Personally, I find self-acceptance helps a bit. You are good and worthy person just as you are