[Skyline]

Hi there, been a while since I've returned to Teenhelp, and I'm turning here now because I am experiencing something problematic and don't know where to turn to or what it is.


By taking this gap year and being out of sync with my closest friends who I rarely get to see, I have realised that I need more human contact than I previously thought. I can no longer pride myself on being solitary, because I now know that it is more about fear and protecting myself than really being truly nurtured by that aloneness.



Above everything else in order to feel good in myself I need to feel productive, and to be productive I need to be around people. But I very often feel alienated around others, expect for a select group of five friends exactly; and even then if we haven't seen each other for a while I can feel anxious. If I am with anyone else, I will most often feel uneasy and at a loss for anything to say. I sit there silently and seldom contribute to the conversation, apart from when someone asks a question specifically directed at me; and then I feel like I child. Like a child being coaxed out of her personal thoughts to interact with others. Like when mum would prompt me with a question like “how about you show them your farm animals” in order to get me to interact with another kid I frankly didn't want to interact with, and I would be overcome by this wave of shame and irritation at the fact that it was so obvious to the other kid that I needed to be assisted by an adult to interact with them, and at the fact that mum would put me in that position without considering the uneasiness it may cause in me.
I am prompted with a simple topic like “so what are your plans for this summer” or “I hear you got into art school” and I think... I know what's going on here. You are all talking and having a nice time, and I'm here in the corner sitting silently, and it's awkward for everyone. Which I don't blame you for. And now you feel responsible for me, you want to cheer me up and make me feel included and so you ask me this very easy generic small-talk question you know I will know how to respond to. The easiest question to answer. And though I am thankful that I will be able to walk home tonight knowing that I said something to someone during this gathering, it makes me deeply despise myself for the way I make others feel responsible for me. For the fact that others can see how awkward I feel. I just hate it. I cannot bear to think about how they must see me.
The number of gatherings I go to where the night plays out this way ! It's unbelievable. Unbelievable that I still convince myself to attend them. And it isn't like they are big parties where I'm mixed with a bunch of complete strangers; more often than not it's a gathering of fellow classmates, or even “friends”; just not my five closest.



I can't seem to find a label to put on it though. I can't call it social anxiety because it doesn't feel extreme enough and I don't exactly clam up or have an anxiety attack. It's just this feeling of being so dumb and uninteresting and self-absorbed for even feeling these things, and once the feeling is there it is inescapable. Like a pop-up add which won't go away no matter how fast I click.

I leave the gathering early because after sitting there for an hour and having spoken only twice, I can't stop feeling these waves of shame and disgust at myself. I can't stop feeling that everyone there would be having such a nicer time if I weren't there; I am like a piece of gum stuck to the insides of a machine.



And when I walk out the door into the streets, I feel such pure relief. I feel a sudden surge of comfort and life. Like I am me but I am no one. Like it doesn't actually matter who I am at all. I am here with my thoughts and I am the only one to witness these thoughts, I am not going to be all that mean to myself so I am safe.


It maybe doesn't seem like a big deal; you could say "just spend time with your five closest friends" but they are in different parts of the country and we seldom get to see each other. And I just don't want to feel this anymore. I don't want things to go from being fine to uneasy with my friends just because one of their friends I'm not as close to are joining us.



Can anyone relate ?