I cut for the first time in two years on Sunday because I was feeling emotionally distressed after a week of fighting with my partner and having PTSD issues. I thought that would be the last time. I decided I would treat myself with kindness instead of letting myself get swept up in the guilt and shame spiral and just cutting more. And it worked, sort of. I feel self-compassion, self-love, contentment, etc. However, I'm still cutting and I don't know why. Every time I'm alone for an extended period of time I get this overwhelming urge to cut. It's like a craving, which isn't that weird, but usually I crave emotional release or distraction. This is just craving the physical sensation of cutting.

I've gone to great lengths to do it, too. Sunday I cut with a used tool, but I threw part of it in the trash. My partner took those particular tools, and all other tools she could think of, and hid them. But Tuesday I dug the tool I threw away in the VERY dirty trash can and cut with it. I sanitized it beforehand but it was still a huge infection risk. Wednesday and Thursday I scoured the house for other tools, almost desperately. Finally Thursday I found some my partner had missed and cut again. It's kind of crazy the lengths I'm going just to satisfy my craving.

I'm very introspective. Even when I choose to bury it I am ALWAYS aware of my feelings and thoughts. I truly feel I would know if something was wrong. Nothing seems wrong, though, but that doesn't match up with my behavior when in the past fifteen years of self-harming behaviors I've almost always cut as a direct result of emotional distress. Can someone be truly happy when they're cutting? Am I missing something? I feel like right now I just like the pain and I don't know how else to get it.