[Celyn]

Sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like the meds helped a bit but maybe not so much now. Is it possible to go back to your doctor to let them know this and see what they suggest?

Recovery from depression and mental illness can often mean relapses and you may feel you aren't going anywhere so there's no point.

It's good that you tried to go outside and be better. The problem with depression is that we might try hard to feel better and then feel worse when this doesn't happen. You didn't fail though. It's understandable that you might feel this way but try be gentle with yourself- recovering from depression isn't easy and you are trying which is all that matters.

We are all susceptible to mental health struggles and while it may seem like others have it better or worse, it doesn't minimise your own struggles. Even with support from friends and family it still makes sense that you would feel depressed as it can be very isolating.

I understand that you would feel angry about having anxiety and depression and perhaps feeling that you aren't getting anywhere. It's okay to feel angry about what you are going through. But try not to be angry at yourself. It's not you that's the problem- it's the depression and anxiety. I understand that you may feel consumed by these things but they are only part of you and do not define you.

It makes sense that you would try bargaining with yourself about wanting to use unhealthy coping strategies in order to deal with your struggles. And while they may seem like they will keep you alive, you deserve to be living your life fully not just surviving.

I'm sorry to hear just how bad your depression is. When life seems pointless to you, I understand why you feel you enjoy nothing and don't see the point in continuing. And why you would start to think about methods. It's good that you have things to keep you going. Is it possible that when you finish one thing you can find another to replace it? You never know what you might find that you might like.

All that said, how would you feel about telling someone, friend or family member, how you have been thinking and feeling recently? Don't forget there's always hotlines like the samaritans you can call too.

Take care