[DiafolEternal]

Originally Posted by Celyn

I agree with the above in that the hope for a better future can sometimes help, even if you can't imagine it. Even though you've been suffering for a long time, it's not guaranteed that you will always continue to suffer. There can be better days ahead. Death is inevitable, but I guess sometimes that's why life can be worth living- death is certain, but life isn't- things can change. And yes, that can mean that relationships end and people drift away, but it can also mean new beginnings too.

I totally agree with you, It can be better. but my brain is still asking if it matters? So what if you do a bit better on level 2 than you did on level 1. you will still eventually die or just complete the game. you wont get a high score, or be remembered. you are just one of an uncountable, an infinite, ∞, number of forgotten and rotten corpses.

If you are looking for things like tv series and games to depend on to avoid hurting your family by taking your life then that's a good enough start. The same with being 258 days SH free and resisting thoughts and urges. It shows that there is a part of you determined to hold on. and that's what matters.

That is much more for them than me. If I could tell them I am moving abroad and make a disconnection before killing myself, i would. I foolishly love family that take advantage. and have very few friends that legit love me. Both of which I dread hating me for as long as their lives last more so than how i feel for what is left of mine.

You mention that the SH and suicidal urges eased with the sertraline, and I'm wondering if you have talked to your doctor or psychiatrist about this? It may be that you need a higher dose or a different medication. Also, have you considered therapy? Sometimes you may need a combination of medication and therapy to help you feel better.

Sertraline helped AT FIRST, well not at first. same as the past 4 meds i had been put on. They made me worse at first. but then I felt better, felt I had that energy to eat, work, keep my room clean, ect. that was a great 2-3 months. then it all faded... My energy is gone for nearly everything. all i care about is D&D as an escape from reality. smoking and drinking. The less time I have to spend in this world and this body the better

Sleep problems like hallucinations can be common with mental health issues, and even those without. It can also be a side effect of some medications, like anti-depressants. However, if they are affecting you a lot, then it's best to talk to a doctor about them. Lack, or disrupted quality, of sleep can definitely make mental health worse. If these things happen only when you are just about to sleep or waking up, it may not be psychosis. If you experience these things when you are awake, then it may be considered to be symptoms of psychosis, and it is best to get help. Anti-psychotics may be able to reduce the hallucinations. You may not get sectioned for talking about the things you experience. It may happen if you plan on seriously harming yourself, others or are very detached from reality and need medical assistance. Sometimes you may be asked if you want to voluntarily admit yourself to a psychiatric ward. But the point is that the professionals are there to help you. I understand that it can be very hard opening up to others, so is there someone who can go to the doctors for you and be an advocate for you? Or you could try writing things and down and using that to help you talk about things or even giving the note to the doctor? I'm also wondering if the drinking is helping as much as you think it is, or do you think it might be making things worse? I know you are struggling, but you don't need or deserve to struggle.

So in the past, my sleep problems have just been a bit of insomnia, struggling to get to sleep. But once I finally got to sleep I was out cold. NOTHING would wake me up. I dreamed nothing, i remembered nothing, I didnt even have to get up to pee... but the past few months i dream. this is a totally new experience for me and i really cant tell them apart. And this ranges from:
Minor things like seeing someone i know and reaching out to find they are not there. Trying to cuddle my Ex-Fiancee forgetting the past 4 years since our break up.
Having arguments with family that never really happened and vice versa. me acting like everything is fine while they are pissed at me cuz that one was real.
More night terror shit, my ceiling is spiders, my walls bleed along with my neck and wrists. a ghoulish figure hovers over me, either just staring, or putting its immense wight on my chest.
The past week or two, and how I know I am getting worse. I have woken up to find I had tied a noose IRL thinking it was a dream. or that I had hung myself in my dream and was more surprised that I woke up at all!

I'm sorry to hear that you don't enjoy things anymore. I'm wondering if you would consider trying to find new things that you may enjoy? It is hard when we can no longer take comfort in our old hobbies, and even though it can be helpful to try to go back to them, we may find some enjoyment or inspiration in new things.

I am trying, just nothing is working

I'm saddened to hear about how your dad and brother have treated you. You mention that you are receiving redundancy payment, and I'm wondering if you have financial plans in place? Try contacting citizens advice if you want help with things like benefits, food banks etc.

Nope, I had received A redundancy payment. and even that was not a true redundancy but all my remaining holidays and sick days. all of that was given to my dad because "it would only be a few weeks" that was a year ago now. and I have struggled since.

You are worthy of a better life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now

Thank you x but yes... it does not feel like that x