[Celyn]

I agree with the above in that the hope for a better future can sometimes help, even if you can't imagine it. Even though you've been suffering for a long time, it's not guaranteed that you will always continue to suffer. There can be better days ahead. Death is inevitable, but I guess sometimes that's why life can be worth living- death is certain, but life isn't- things can change. And yes, that can mean that relationships end and people drift away, but it can also mean new beginnings too.

If you are looking for things like tv series and games to depend on to avoid hurting your family by taking your life then that's a good enough start. The same with being 258 days SH free and resisting thoughts and urges. It shows that there is a part of you determined to hold on. and that's what matters.

You mention that the SH and suicidal urges eased with the sertraline, and I'm wondering if you have talked to your doctor or psychiatrist about this? It may be that you need a higher dose or a different medication. Also, have you considered therapy? Sometimes you may need a combination of medication and therapy to help you feel better.

Sleep problems like hallucinations can be common with mental health issues, and even those without. It can also be a side effect of some medications, like anti-depressants. However, if they are affecting you a lot, then it's best to talk to a doctor about them. Lack, or disrupted quality, of sleep can definitely make mental health worse. If these things happen only when you are just about to sleep or waking up, it may not be psychosis. If you experience these things when you are awake, then it may be considered to be symptoms of psychosis, and it is best to get help. Anti-psychotics may be able to reduce the hallucinations. You may not get sectioned for talking about the things you experience. It may happen if you plan on seriously harming yourself, others or are very detached from reality and need medical assistance. Sometimes you may be asked if you want to voluntarily admit yourself to a psychiatric ward. But the point is that the professionals are there to help you. I understand that it can be very hard opening up to others, so is there someone who can go to the doctors for you and be an advocate for you? Or you could try writing things and down and using that to help you talk about things or even giving the note to the doctor? I'm also wondering if the drinking is helping as much as you think it is, or do you think it might be making things worse? I know you are struggling, but you don't need or deserve to struggle.

I'm sorry to hear that you don't enjoy things anymore. I'm wondering if you would consider trying to find new things that you may enjoy? It is hard when we can no longer take comfort in our old hobbies, and even though it can be helpful to try to go back to them, we may find some enjoyment or inspiration in new things.

I'm saddened to hear about how your dad and brother have treated you. You mention that you are receiving redundancy payment, and I'm wondering if you have financial plans in place? Try contacting citizens advice if you want help with things like benefits, food banks etc.

You are worthy of a better life, even if it doesn't feel that way right now