[Skyline]

I'm surprised you haven't dropped in a message by now. And it's making me feel sad, and bitter.

Do I feel petty that I resolved to not take any more steps towards you and let YOU be the one to make that step ? No. I don't. Because during and after our relationship ended I have always been the one to initiate contact when we have been far away.

Last week I was paranoid that you were avoiding me online and actively wanted space, and when I confronted you about it you affirmed that that wasn't the case at all and that you had just been busy for a few days. I felt extremely relieved, and thought to myself that I should chill out with the contact, not for the purpose of putting space between us but so that you could prove that YOU wanted that contact, instead of me always doubting.

And since then I have been on my best behaviour and haven't initiated contact for... a week, now. But neither have you.


To be honest I would much rather that you wanted space and distance than for you to simply be absent out of indifference. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat on my computer, noticed that you are online and willed you to send me just one message. One "hey, so how is it going ?". One "ey, could we call tonight?"


Nothing.



And I can't do much about it now that we aren't a couple anymore, because you don't owe me anything. If I were to ask you why you haven't sent a message or why you haven't responded to that link I sent you in a week, you would probably say, as you have so many times before, "ohh damn ! sorry ! I did that thing where I read your message and I was going to respond but I was doing something else and I forgot !"


Trust me, I do that too. All the time. But, there are a select number of people I don't do that to. People I always look forwards to hearing from. People I care deeply about and always feel excited when I receive a message from them.



And the fact you do not feel that way (and maybe have never felt that way) for me is really painful. I'm not telling you that you should be IN LOVE with me and that you should be impatiently awaiting a message from me every second... but until just over two weeks ago we were in a relationship for god's sake, one that lasted nearly two years... and I had expected that I might pop into your mind every now and then and that you'd wonder -- how's Skye doing ? And send me a message every few days to see.


I realise too that because we have stayed friends and we left things on a good note, I am stuck in this desire and expectation for you to CARE about me, and it's bringing up a lot of feelings I had when we were together, and I am feeling a little bit resentful for a few things.


Anyways. I don't really want to say much more than that because I'm tearing up. Basically I'm just solidly disappointed.