[Rivière]

I feel so stressed.

I have a computer game to write in just 1 week.
I have 4 reports to complete by next Sunday.
I have an essay due in 2 weeks that I still haven't really started.
I have another essay I sort of did research for but nothing else.
I still have my dissertation to write.
I feel like due to my mess up on Tuesday I've really lost him.
I really want to see him more but I have to do my work.
I'm trying so hard not to think of him or I won't work.
I promised myself I wouldn't message him first until Monday.
I'm trying to think of the situation logically and that he still does care, just that like me he's very stressed and busy.
I keep thinking of scenarios where we finally open up properly to one another but it will never happen.
I realised he doesn't love me nearly as much as I love him and it hurts so much.
I wish I'd never kissed him back that at that party so nothing would have started between us.
I worry this pill is giving me mood swings.
I'm still waiting for this fake period to arrive.
I've lost so much weight because I'm that stressed I barely eat.
I've been hiding how I feel from everybody but the internet.
I've been pretending to everyone in my life I'm ok when I'm not.
I've been hiding how I feel and what's been going on from my mother because she doesn't even know I've been seeing a guy.
I can't tell my mother about anything that's been going on with this guy because she won't approve and I don't want her to be ashamed of me.
I don't want my mother to tell me I 'lied' to her about being gay again. Not like I can help how brain chemicals work and who I fall in love with. Not like I wanted to fall in love with a guy who clearly has no time for me, doesn't care about me that much and treats me like crap.
Speaking of that, I wish I wouldn't let him treat me the way he does, but I do and I just keep getting hurt.
I'm so tired.