[Tigereyes]

I can't read all this shit for school, and there's so much more to do and not enough time or energy to do it--and I need more of both. I really don't know that I can get through this semester. I really with people would just listen and acknowledge that I'm struggling instead of just trying to reassure me that I can do it. Because maybe I can't. And that's not negativity. That's me trying to acknowledge my limitations for the first time ever instead of pushing myself way too far like I always do until I get really sick again. You know it''s bad when you're hoping you end up in the hospital so that you're able to take a couple weeks to rest and disability services and your professors will all actually work with you to let you make up work in a reasonable amount of time and/or take an incomplete. I really desperately need a break, but I won't get one 'til this semester ends, and it just started. It's only going to get worse, and I already can't handle it, but I have to keep this to myself so I don't overwhelm and inconvenience anyone else. I'm so sick and tired of this shit. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired in multiple ways. I wish I had just dropped out of school freshmen year before I accumulated so much fucking debt that my only hope IS to graduate college so I can pay off my debt with a decent job maybe if I'm lucky. If I can even handle a career in my field, and after I also suffer through grad school so I can get a job in my field. As if I wasn't suicidal before this semester started. I'm more so now. I only haven't given up yet because I have nothing to lose by pushing myself past my breaking point if I was going to kill myself anyway. I was living for others, but they don't need me anymore, and I'm just hurting them more by not getting better fast enough. I hate this. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to die.