[NeuroBeautiful]

Papa did not want children
Papa wanted a happy adult life
He wanted his life to be better than his prior years
He wanted to work, while his wife was the stay at home mommy
So when mommy was no longer around,
every sound of rushed footsteps, every sound of laughter,
every bad mood, every having the sniffles, every ounce of sadness,
Every accidental spill of orange juice, every request to spend family time,
every speck of dust
every reminder of us kids being around, of him having kids,
Burned him with rage
Because kids held him back
And I was a kid so I held him back

Now my body reached adulthood, but
my mind and soul is a scared little girl
Will breathing make my daddy angry? will eating a snack cause too much trouble?
Now every reminder to myself that I am alive,
makes me feel like a huge burden to this world


I try to be thankful, to appreciate the miracles and blessings and gifts
But how do I know these are not really punishments?
How do I know that these are really meant to cause me great loss in the future?

I want to feel like I deserve to not just exist but to even feel safe and loved in this world
that I have a place here, that I am wanted
But I can't help go back to the original circumstance that lasted over 24 years
Constant reminders that I am not wanted, that I am repulsive
That every breath I take is making my own flesh and blood family resent me
I am forever in debt to them to make up for the 24 plus years of surviving without their permission
For being another mouth to feed, another living being to take up space
There was so much pressure to conform, to obey, to punish till I force myself
I don't know what it's like to just Be. To be a person. To be myself.
Being a successful adult is about being your own person
And now I am rejected by others for having a weak personality
For the very things I had to do to survive
I have the very short comings that are the ingredients to be a well-adjusted adult
I am all alone in this world trying to figure out how to go from traumatized, disconnected, withdrawn adult-bodied
To a wholesome well-adjusted responsible happy, healthy adult in mind, body, spirit
And that's terrifying