It's true, I do like life without you here. No one's interrupting us; you're not vying for her time. No one but me gets her time and that's really nice. I like the focus attention and it gets taken away every time you say "knock knock" and ask to come in (and of course I don't feel like I can say no because I have no real reason to, other than not wanting you around). It's nice to not have to worry about that. It's nice not to have to worry about being so obvious we're having sex because we close the door; I don't have to be embarrassed that you know we're being intimate. But most of all it's nice to not have negative thoughts about you. Out of sight, out of mind. It's a relief not to find myself judging you for every little thing. It takes such a toll on me to feel so negative and for that reason I don't really want you to come back yet. Just give it a few more days.

But yes, I did miss you. I love you, after all, negative thoughts be damned. Your presence enriches my life, and I felt an absence without it. When I said "why wouldn't I miss you," it hurt for you to just say "idk, reasons." I wish you'd be honest with me and tell me what you're feeling, why you're holding back. I believe we can work this out. One of us just needs to make the first move to try and I don't want it to be me. I have too much anger over things that have happened to trust myself to stay calm when initiating that conversation. So it needs to be you.

I wish we could just be friendly metas, inside and out, but I guess that's not meant to be right now.