[Tigereyes]

I really just want my DoC because feeling numb is the only way to feel better, which is what you need from me and what I need from myself. But it will destroy me, which will hurt you more. But if I'm already hurting you so much by being in so much pain, does it even matter? I can't stop this pain without my DoC. I just need some relief... Even if only for a few hours until I sober up and the pain comes rushing back worse than before. But just a few hours of relief sounds desirable, even knowing the pain that is to follow. You don't want me to bottle thing up, but me being in pain hurts you. And I'm sorry...

I know you don't want me to blame myself. I'm sorry that I keep doing just that. But when the one person who has helped me question all the shit I've believed about myself for so long confirms it even one time, it stays in my mind, and I can't erase it, and I'm sorry. I know I need to stop this. I know I need to change myself. I'm sorry for not recovering fast enough.

Why does recovery have to fucking suck so much? It just takes away my way to cope without giving me anything to replace it. So I just sit here suffering and hurting everyone else because the only way to stop feeling so miserable is to relapse which would hurt everyone anyway.