[Jess~]

guess what news i just fucking got.

tomorrow, march 10th, is the day i was raped two years ago. i didn't think that the rape affected me that much anymore, but ever since march 1st i've been suffering nightmares of rape almost every night, crying at random times, random flashbacks, and just generally realizing that i've been subconsciously thinking about it a lot more than i thought.
i randomly remembered that my "friend", Jeff, supposedly had texts from a few guys talking about the rape or something, either before or while it was happening. (from what i can remember it was my rapist's friends saying that they knew it was happening because my rapist told them he was going to go do it.)
Jeff told me shortly after the rape that he had texts that would count as more proof should i decide to report it, but on the day that i told him to send them to me, he "got called into the front office and deleted his entire gallery for fear they would search his phone". he had underage nudes from his girlfriend, so that is somewhat believable. but at the same time, it was just so coincidental that i didn't believe it. (he also tells us wild and extreme stories about how he was supposedly in a gang at age 7, forced to make guns for members of the mafia at age 8, and killed 7-9 people [the number changed based on who he was telling the story to]. he has also told complete strangers that he was raped by both his uncle and neighbor kids while i, his friend of 3 years, had no idea about that. so legitimacy isn't exactly his forte when it comes to storytelling.)

today i texted him asking him to stop bullshitting just for a second and tell me the truth about that day and those texts. i just wanted him to tell me the texts were never real and he made it up to try and seem like a hero for potentially having evidence that the rape happened. i wanted those texts to be a lie because it absolutely killed me knowing that there could have been evidence that would have proved my rapist did it.
well he texted me and said that apparently the texts weren’t from my rapist’s friends but from my rapist’s brother, telling Jeff that he was planning on raping me. those texts were from three. fucking. days. before i was raped. Jeff had three fucking days to tell me, “hey, there might be a bit of premeditated rape coming your way but shit idk” and he said he didn’t feel the need to because “he thought he was kidding.”

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YALL, BUT IF SOMEONE SAID THAT ABOUT ONE OF MY FRIENDS, I WOULD PROBABLY AT LEAST MENTION IT IN PASSING, WHETHER IT WAS A JOKE OR NOT.

even fucking JOKING about raping someone is disturbing on its own and i know my friends would want to know if someone said that about them.

so either Jeff is a full-blown idiot or he could still be lying about that even happening. but i do know he and my rapist’s brother talked fairly often and i don’t see why he would lie about something that would obviously piss me off.

some backstory for this also: Jeff was dating my longtime friend for about three weeks at this time. he was constantly trying to fuck me, despite the fact that they were dating. he kept telling me that sleeping with him (Jeff) would be better for me than messing around with my rapist, who was my friend with benefits at the time. (i just want to make it clear that our FWB relationship consisted of oral sex only. the penetrative sex was what i did not consent to and i told him i definitely didn’t want to do that. he agreed and understood the boundaries. i feel like the FWB thing makes it sound like the blame is on me, but i told him the boundaries upfront.)
anyway, Jeff was telling me he was just trying to be a good friend by trying to fuck me and made it seem like he was sacrificing so much in order to “be a good person” and get me to sleep with him. he constantly said, “i mean i don’t want to cheat, but if you have to have sex with someone it might as well be me.”
he is so fucking ugly and i never wanted to do anything with him, but he got in my head somehow??? and he almost convinced me to do things. (he also lied to my friend and convinced her that he was only trying to sleep with me to “save me”. i truly believe he saw me as just this whore who needed sex 24/7 and lived my life just for dick. that’s what he painted me as and i’ve heard from my friends that he still spreads similar statements about me even today. apparently he thinks i’m prostituting right now.)

so when he was telling me about how he knew the rape was premeditated, he also said that another reason he didn’t tell me was because he was waiting until after he had sex with me. i don’t know why and i don’t really want to know why he was going to wait until after.

this is just disgusting on so many fucking levels. but the level that disturbs me the most is, not only that he literally had text evidence that my rapist planned this, but that evidence could have fucking stopped me from being raped. he could have stopped the worst thing that has ever happened to me and he didn’t because he wanted to fuck me.

i obviously got mad and started cussing his bitchass out over text, but he said something along the lines of, “you know we’ve all changed a lot as people since that year. like you always said, you never know a rapist until the rape happens.” (backstory here: we do always have conversations about how drastically we have all changed since junior year of high school. but it’s more of a reminiscing way, not a “hey i used to be a fucking sociopath who withheld evidence of a federal crime committed against my friend” kind of way. AND after the rape happened, Jeff told me that i should’ve known it was going to happen and that he “told me so” [which he didn’t, OBVIOUSLY]. and i said, TO DEFEND MYSELF, “nobody knows they’re going to be raped by someone until it happens.” it is absolutely SICKENING that he is using something i said to defend myself against HIM, in order to defend his actions that could have prevented my rape altogether.)


i don’t know what to do with myself. i don’t know how i’m going to go to class next week and sit next to him. i don’t know how i’m going to go to my friend’s birthday road trip next weekend and sit in the same car as him.
i don’t know how the fuck i’m supposed to continue a friendship with someone who had every opportunity to prevent me from being raped and didn’t.