[Starseeker]

I am so, so sick of this. When did it begin? Two, three years ago? I used to write so much. They told me they loved my poems, my stories. I drew so much, I would fill up files with drawings at an astonishing pace. I read tons and tons of books and I somehow managed to squeeze a little time of playing video games into my schedule. And I genuinely enjoyed every single minute of it. I remember being so disappointed when the clock struck one in the morning in the weekend and I knew I had to go to sleep, otherwise I would wake up a zombie the following day, but I wanted to play more so much. Every one of those activities was like a precious treat for me.

It's changed. Now I enjoy nothing. I have too much time to spare, because I don't study at all, I just ignore studying. And during that time I have nothing to do. It's absolutely terrifying: a few years ago I would say: 'you're bored? wow, you must be such a dull person.' Now I am bored. Not because I've got nothing to do, but because I don't want to do anything. Today I opened a book and closed it after having read three words. I glanced at piles of unfinished drawings accumulated on my desk and pieces of paper and rubbish all over my room. It was absolutely, genuinely repulsive. Repugnant. I feel like vomiting when I look at things I used to do, because it reminds me that I'm wasting my time. And this time will never come back.

All I do is play video games all day, just because I have to somehow pass the time between nights, when I can just sleep. But I'm not enjoying it anymore. I don't want to see Edward Kenway or Geralt of Rivia or whoever else. But I'm forcing myself to play. I'm so sick of it.