TeenHelp - View Single Post - Say something you wish you could say to their face.

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I needed you to say something when I stopped eating, but you didn't. Skipped meals weren't questioned, weight loss wasn't noticed, and too-big clothes were ignored. Everyone around us saw the intense weight loss, so why didn't you? I can't believe that you didn't recognize I was relapsing, but the other option is that you didn't care. Caught between a rock and a hard place, and I'm not sure what hurts more.

I went back to therapy, but that wasn't your doing. You encouraged it, but I'm the one that has to walk through those doors every week. I'm the one that has to feel every emotion and unlock every painful memory that convinced me self-starvation is easier than feeling the pain of whatever happened to me. In therapy, I realized our relationship was failing. I think I knew that already, I just wasn't ready to admit to it. How can you acknowledge that the man you're in love with is changing you into a person you can't recognize? When we were together, I based my entire identity in being your girlfriend. The relapse was triggered by an incident that made me feel more inadequate than I already did - an incident that could have been avoided if you controlled your anger. I made a mistake that day, I messed up, I get it, but you had no right to react physically to my slip-up. It didn't hurt, it didn't bruise, but it scared me. It scared me enough to the point that I stopped eating to cope, and I lost over X lbs in two months. It took me almost three months post-breakup to tell you what triggered the relapse, and you accused me of labeling you as abusive. I don't, and I never will. One incident raises red flags, but it's not abuse, and I will never call it that.

I wasn't the perfect girlfriend, and I won't pretend that I was. I made a lot of mistakes, I didn't say a lot of things that needed to be said. In all reality, I was not ready for a relationship, not one as serious as we both wanted. I'm sorry for that; I really, truly am. I'm sorry that you can't cash in the plans we made together, the plans that I wanted to back out of, but couldn't find the words to tell you. I'm sorry that I hurt you so much in the breakup, I'm sorry I didn't give you the answers you needed because I was afraid of your reaction. I'm mature, but not mature enough for a serious and long-term relationship.

But you aren't ready either. You didn't listen to me, and you continue to not listen. You only hear what you want to hear, not what is actually being said. We fell in love too quickly, and now we're both feeling the pain of love that we long for, but cannot have. You think we could still work, but I'm not that naive. We can't put this enmity behind us, neither of us are so good of people to do that. I'm not mad at you, just incredibly hurt.

You said that I've been cold, but I cannot, and will not, set myself on fire to keep you warm.

I want this to be it. I wanted it to be it when you walked into that room and started yelling at me (my therapist was concerned for my safety when I told her about that incident), and I thought that it would be. I thought you yelling "Never talk to me again" and slamming the door would finally be the end of the fighting (and the end of our relationship). Then you texted me, trying to apologize. Again, I wasn't mad, just incredibly hurt. That's why I never responded.

I'm still in love with you, but I'm standing by my decision to breakup. A healthy relationship doesn't trigger a relapse, and then never say anything about it. A healthy relationship doesn't leave one half of it afraid to change plans. A healthy relationship doesn't make one party constantly feel horrible (I played an equal role in this, and I'm so sorry for that). We love each other, but we are toxic for one another.

Thank you for the eight months that we shared, and I'm sorry that it couldn't have been more. I wish you all the happiness, love, and laughter in the world. I hope that you get the help that you need, and I hope you know that I'm getting the help I need. You're always going to hold a special place in my heart - you were (are) my first love. We both learned from our relationship, and I pray that these lessons stay with you.

You deserve a woman that is capable of loving herself. You deserve a woman that is capable of taking care of herself. You deserve a woman that doesn't have the marked past that I do, a woman that can freely give of herself and be fearless in her pursuit of you. You deserve a woman that has real confidence, not the quasi-confidence I show. You deserve a woman that is so much more than what I am.

And until I am capable of being such a woman, I will not be pursuing any romantic relationships. I'm sorry that my eating disorder, depression, and anxiety hurt you - but honey, they hurt me a hell of a lot more. I'm finally learning to put myself first.

We had the right love, but at the wrong time. I'm sorry.