[Tigereyes]

It's my senior year of college, but I still have another year left after this semester finally ends. I've been miserable every semester, and each semester seems to get worse. I haven't made friends here. I rarely had suicidal thoughts before college, but they've become a regular part of my day since freshmen year of college. I've had several near-attempts in college. All I can think about is that I should drop out or die, but it's too late to drop out (I've made it too far, and I'm in too much debt to have a chance of paying it off without a degree) and people need me to stay alive. They also expect me to not get fucked up on whatever possible in attempt to cope and escape the pain. So I just don't cope, and I feel on the edge of relapse. I've driven away nearly all my friends from high school, I'm not close to my family, and I keep hurting the couple people who still care about me. I keep hurting them, and I don't want to keep doing that, but again, suicide seems like the only out to that, but that would also cause them more pain.

So basically I'm only staying alive because other people need me. And if they leave, I might just end it, because I'm so tired of constantly feeling this way. I can't stay in school, stay alive, AND stay clean from everything. I can't keep doing all of those things. I can't take a semester off, even though I desperately need to. I hate college. Somehow I'm doing well--better than ever before, even though I'm in a worse mental state than I've ever been.

I don't know what to do. I'm not really expecting advice, mostly just need to rant I guess, and I feel like I've been doing everything I reasonably can, but it's just not enough. I even got myself to go to counseling and join the campus recovery group and go to AA meetings (problems with various addictions) and am trying to work a 16-step program. But I still feel like shit, and I don't see any progress, so I keep wondering why I'm trying. Except that other people need me, so I need to stay alive.