[Tigereyes]

Fuck required online classes. Fuck how it's my fault that the website fucked up and I got a zero on my final presentation even though I turned it in early and it deserved a good grade and I only needed to get a 50 on it. Fuck college. I can't take this anymore. College makes me want to die. College = the best four years of your life??? FUCK THAT. Worst years of my life. I used to want to get better--before college. Now I just want to drop out or die. And I can't do either, and it's killing me. Don't have a chronic illness and go to college. Oh yeah, and fuck this college's disability services too. But I've come too far to drop out. But I'm so miserable and stressed out every day of my life. I wasn't before college. I'm not when I don't have college, but winter break is the only true break for me. College has already physically damaged my body so much. Made me have a flare up for the first time since I was diagnosed over 10 years ago and need surgery. And then I got addicted to my painkillers and it wasn't even my fault because I took them as prescribed--LESS than prescribed. I didn't ask for any of this. The opiates forever ruined my life. Whenever things go so wrong, I can't take my mind off of them even though I've never even abused them. But I remember how they made me feel. Or rather, I remember how they made me not feel. And then as soon as the withdrawal began, just 1.5 weeks after surgery, it was HELL. Everything came back and hurt so much worse. I remember how they took away the mental pain... and I fucking miss it sometimes. They don't do shit for physical pain, but they changed my life forever. I've tried so hard just to keep myself from giving in to the temptation. I haven't had them since I withdrew over two years ago, but they still haunt me. Because I know what they're capable of... killing the pain, then killing me. And part of me wants that because college has put me in such a bad place for so long. I turned to alcohol and whatever the fuck else I could immediately get my hands on--just to prevent myself from abusing my drug of choice. Because I know that if I ever abuse it just once, I'm never going to stop. Fuck opiates. But in times like this, I crave them like nothing else...