I walk around, a rope tied around my neck
Every breath is insecure
Uncertain of the next, time
My facts are not the facts
Complete breakdown of what is the truth
I try to be the perfect child
My existence continues to be a burden
I may never understand why
But that doesn't stop the itch to find out
Every tear opens up a reason
To push me away
Into the dark ally
Further and further each day
Till I am in total darkness
Not a single crack of sunlight
Desperate to find a way out
Not only trapped in the prison, but
Trapped in a prisoner's mind
Why am the faulty one?
Why am I the mistake?
Why am I the "it" child?
Why do I try to be loved but get so much hate?
I got straight A's in school
Studying and homework on most afternoons
I thought you'd be proud
Instead you shouted, how
I should have got even higher
"What about an A+?"
You said I had to complete the next chapter
I thought I was doing so much but still for you,
I wasn't enough
Now I can list and define the organelles in a cell
I have memorized the periodic table quite well
I have conducted lab research in high school
My findings were used for making policy
But inside I continue to feel so alone and empty
I have not figured out what I did so wrong
To the point of being unlovable and abandoned
I have tried to understand
She tells me it is my lack of confidence
That I am annoying when I am insecure
It makes her step back and be unfriendly
I am hurt but I want to fix things with my sister.
So many thoughts whirl in my head
I wonder if I have to let go of our relationship
In so many ways it is unhealthy
But if I work on my self will she start to care for me?
He tells me I get hurt too easily
That I blame him even though I make sure I do not
I try to be conscious of my words, tone and body
But he does not reciprocate the efforts
I am tired; being the one who initiates
Asking him how his day was, telling him
good morning and good night
Trying to connect through humor
While he presents himself as tough, cold and mean
I am in therapy four days a week
With mindfulness, assertiveness training and DBT
I learn techniques on how to communicate,
On anger management, on building self esteem
But nothing makes my family want to love me
I can imagine building confidence
How they will probably be excited too
They can use me to their favor
And get me to do for them what they want me to do
But when I start to put boundaries
They will start to put me down
I might be vulnerable and lose confidence
And by that point, I will start to drown
That's when they will leave me
I would have not been useful to them
They may even call me mean, insensitive and arrogant
Kind of how they do now
Naturally j will feel insecure again
And suddenly
my lack of confidence is the secret ingredients
I began therapy, intense feelings of shame inside
A problem that has to be fixed, a liability that has to be dealt with
A disease that has to be cured
I am the annoying song "that never ends"
Everybody shuts their ears when they hear that song
Because that song goes on and on and on
And I just keep going on.
Knowing the reason they do not love me
Lies in their burning regret and disappointment
That I it was a mistake I was born
I did not live up to be the servant I was created for
I should never have existed
Every breath I take is insecure, knowing I do not deserve to live
I am stealing the space i occupy, the breath I use to survive, the time, the energy, the food I eat
I can only hide.
But my therapist says "it is not you, it's them"
I cannot understand how
Eversince I was a child,
I knew I was The Problem in life
I was the child that should have never been born
But now I am here
What do I do? How do I be?
How do I keep going?
When I know the problem is and will always be me?