[NeuroBeautiful]

I'm at a point where I'm talking and interacting but before+after is what's hard. I start to feel very embarrassed of myself and very insecure. I replay everything over and over and get down about any perceived mistakes or things I did wrong or awkward.
I also get some kind of anxiety attack. I get numb and overwhelmed at the same time. I get really quiet and slow about processing. If I do talk my voice changes into a very timid and scared tone.

During the actual event when I'm interacting I might sound really stutter-y (not an official stutter disorder though I was in speech therapy for a different speech problem having to do with pronunciation, lisp, articulation etc) or i might shut down.
Or I might talk at first and shut down midway or I might semi shut down

There's also a lot of trauma relating to people and me being quiet is associated with all that as both making me a target and for having it as an outcome of an event which makes me a target for it to perpetuate

So yeah I really don't know what to do. I'm working on it by going to social situations I'm giving myself practice but sometimes it backfires


Social phobia is one of those things that can't truly be avoided. So I don't physically avoid all the time. Sometimes I hide in the bathroom at an event but other times i have other defenses that go up



Also I'm realizing the nurse practioner asked me if I have any phobias but I guess I do but with not as tangible things like abandonment, intimacy, social.
I might be averted to things like the sound of fireworks both me but I don't have a fear of it. I'm averted and find it triggering to other things that I fear as reminders but not a fear. I feel like social anxiety is like encompassing a few different fears at least personally. Like it triggers fear of rejection and other things but that's when I stop to think about it. At the moment I'm more physically afraid as in my body goes unto a response and my mind goes a bit numb but not necessarily 100% numb like I can still interact. I might appear awkward or quiet but I get through it.
It is after when I breakdown in various degrees. After it is over it is like my anxious thoughts come back.

It can affect my decision making, qhwther i stabd up for nyself and if i do try to it isnt as effective because while I wouldnt really be feeling trusting towards that person if I thought about it, I would do things that signal I trust or I become passive and timid and follow what is asked of me/being communicated without even stopping to really care for how I feel and I can lose the sense of assertion that I have tried to build up. I feel like especially with men. I have noticed with the last man I met, it was a scary situation and I thought he was going to harm me and I remember internally freaking out but I followed him anyway. This was last week Tuesday. I was going to walk with a friend and he wanted to join st first but then wanted to make his own plans to the point that my friend left saying she will hang out with me another time because I seem to want to hang out with the guy. Then we were alone and I felt so uncomfortable. I kind of dismissed my need to hang out in a group setting when it comes to men. This has become my instinct feeling. To keep in a group when it comes to men I don't know well. But I didn't follow through with it.

Other times I feel so embarrassed of myself that I self harm. The insecurity I'd aggravated when I'm in social settings but so is when I'm isolated and hiding

Thank you for listening