[Jess~]

Originally Posted by DanceCommander

I highlight this part of your post because this is exactly how I felt about my abusive boyfriend before I broke up with him. There were so many indicators that I should leave him, that he was manipulative and controlling and was actively harming me on a daily basis, but I wanted to believe that he was maybe able to be a good partner to me because he had promised me that he would be. I desperately wanted to believe that because I wanted to believe I was worth something, that I had value, because I didn't feel I had value by myself. I don't know if you feel you don't have value, so that may be where our stories differ, but I can understand some of your feelings.

No one can get you to leave him except you. But I STRONGLY advise you to look at the facts you yourself have presented. You're not over the abuse, and you're unhappy he's saying it's "old stuff" and pushing you to "get over it." You're terrified of meeting him in person again. You fear that he may possibly kill you the next time he's angry if you've done something "bad" enough.

This is a toxic, manipulative, unhealthy, unsafe relationship. In all blunt honesty, I don't think it should matter that it makes you "feel like you're worth more than sex," because that's not true, and you're telling yourself that at the ]expense of your own live and wellbeing. You're not worth more than sex to him.To him you're a thing to use, control, manipulate, overpower, and he can get away with it because he's playing on your sympathy. DON'T give him another chance to hurt you.

I don't know whether you're technically "cheating" or not, but I can tell you this: I've seen your threads over the last months. I've seen you struggling feeling like you're worth something, seen you jump from relationship to relationship with Tinder guys and honestly it's not healthy. You are NOT at fault for being harmed, and I want to be clear that that's not what I'm saying. But you don't have a basis, a foundation, for healthy relationships. Your communication in them tends to be unclear and dysfunctional. When you break up with this boyfriend (as I believe you absolutely should), I suggest taking a break from sex and relationships. You're searching for your value in how other people see you and you will never see your true worth that way. If you keep at it you'll only get hurt and disappointed. Try to take the time to develop your own self-worth. I promise it'll make you feel a huge difference, and then you don't have to rely on other people to make you feel something.

Good luck. PM me if you need anything else.

i just want to thank you so much for this. even though it's a harsh truth, i feel like it's what i really needed to hear, and too many people are afraid to tell the truth these days. so thank you, so so much.

i agree to a point with what you said about developing my self more, but honestly, part of me feels like i've done a lot of that already. in the several months i spent at counseling after my sexual assault, i definitely gained a lot of self-esteem and motivation for life. i feel like i know what i need to focus on in my life and i'm trying to get it all together. i actually even reconnected with an old ex/friend and now i can see what a shitty person he is. i still care about him, but even though he did tell me how much he missed me, i didn't fall for it because i knew he wasn't right for me, relationship wise. i went back to counseling for the choking incident and even sitting there, i feel a lot more comfortable talking about my thoughts and feelings, and more like they're valid.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i can see it's obvious i need to work on something about myself or my life, but i just don't know where to start. i never really knew how to develop standards, and i honestly am not sure what you mean by a foundation for a relationship. i just don't know what to work on.

i do 100% agree with your suggestion of taking a break from guys and dating and sex. i actually posted on my social media that i don't want anyone asking me to constantly hang out or anything, because that distracts me from my own life. even though i feel more stable now that i have a job and am getting my shit done at school, i still need to find a balance between it all. so i guess i'll start there.

is that what working on yourself is? just finding a balance and getting your stuff together and becoming a whole person again?


and yeah, i have made up my mind for sure that i am going to break up with him. i still don't know what to say, and i feel like the longer i carry it out the worse it's going to be. part of me wants to see him one more time just to be sure, even though that's really stupid. but then a big part of me feels this disgust and uneasiness at the thought of even looking at him again. ugh, it's just one of those things that i keep going back and forth on. i'm sorry that i keep dragging this out. i'm so uncertain of everything. i do know, however, that i have a good reason to break up and a good reason to explain to him why i'm breaking up with him. a friend was telling me that since it's been a couple weeks since it happened, it doesn't even matter anymore. but i think i'm going to tell him that ever since he choked me, i lost all feelings for him, and i can't keep going on in this relationship. that way he still knows it's his fault, but maybe won't aggravate him as much? i don't know.