I highlight this part of your post because this is exactly how I felt about my abusive boyfriend before I broke up with him. There were so many indicators that I should leave him, that he was manipulative and controlling and was actively harming me on a daily basis, but I wanted to believe that he was maybe able to be a good partner to me because he had promised me that he would be. I desperately wanted to believe that because I wanted to believe I was worth something, that I had value, because I didn't feel I had value by myself. I don't know if you feel you don't have value, so that may be where our stories differ, but I can understand some of your feelings.

No one can get you to leave him except you. But I STRONGLY advise you to look at the facts you yourself have presented. You're not over the abuse, and you're unhappy he's saying it's "old stuff" and pushing you to "get over it." You're terrified of meeting him in person again. You fear that he may possibly kill you the next time he's angry if you've done something "bad" enough.

This is a toxic, manipulative, unhealthy, unsafe relationship. In all blunt honesty, I don't think it should matter that it makes you "feel like you're worth more than sex," because that's not true, and you're telling yourself that at the ]expense of your own live and wellbeing. You're not worth more than sex to him.To him you're a thing to use, control, manipulate, overpower, and he can get away with it because he's playing on your sympathy. DON'T give him another chance to hurt you.

I don't know whether you're technically "cheating" or not, but I can tell you this: I've seen your threads over the last months. I've seen you struggling feeling like you're worth something, seen you jump from relationship to relationship with Tinder guys and honestly it's not healthy. You are NOT at fault for being harmed, and I want to be clear that that's not what I'm saying. But you don't have a basis, a foundation, for healthy relationships. Your communication in them tends to be unclear and dysfunctional. When you break up with this boyfriend (as I believe you absolutely should), I suggest taking a break from sex and relationships. You're searching for your value in how other people see you and you will never see your true worth that way. If you keep at it you'll only get hurt and disappointed. Try to take the time to develop your own self-worth. I promise it'll make you feel a huge difference, and then you don't have to rely on other people to make you feel something.

Good luck. PM me if you need anything else.