[del677]

Thank you for your story.

Stress will do that.

Do you also have difficulty looking at other people in their eyes?

From your description it could be some form of autism. Or Asperger's. Only you can say.

Autism is too broad a term I'm not sure what it means. It seems to be a catch-all term for anything involving difficulty socialilzing, though that's not really the definition, just a symptom.

Asperger's is supposedly a type of autism. I've been told I have a mild form of Asperger's.

It seems to have something to do with reading other people's eyes. Like the eyes are supposed to have a lot of "information" in them. But I don't really see "information", I just see eyes.

So if I don't "read" other people, the way other people do, then I'm missing out on a lot of unspoken cues that I never knew were there, and I end up having more difficulty socializing, because I basically have a form of blindness.

Anyway, it might be easier to side step what this might be, and just move on to what can be done about it.

Oh, I might explain how stress can cause all this. Stress shuts down the prefrontal cortex part of the brain where rational thinking happens, and the person's mind goes blank. Works great if you're being chased by a tiger. Terrible in modern day society where there are no tigers. (Though I'm not advocating adding tigers to our cities.)

If your current school isn't working out for you, there may be some alternative options.

Depending on where you live, the local rules may vary from place to place, but in general, if you can get a diagnosis that puts you in a special category (whatever "special category" is defined as may depend on where you live), but if you can get a diagnosis, then it can open a lot of doors for you, as in they may be required by various laws to provide you with alternative options (again what alternatives are available may depend on where you live). One of the alternative options may work out great for you.

Sorry I can't be more specific. If you find the right person who knows the right administrative moves to make and can advocate for you, they might know what to do.

(It's also possible the school might not want to tell you of your options, because it might cost them money, and that bottom line usually is what motivates them to not tell you, or to lie and say you have no options, or you don't qualify, when in fact you do qualify, and there are great options available for you.)

Anyway. I have trouble with schools which are too big, too many students. I do better in smaller schools, smaller classroom sizes. Less stress on me.

Reducing stress also takes work. I understand the runaway mind part. Learning how to stop that runaway mind is what meditation is about. Takes a bit of practice but can be a very useful tool once learned.

You can research "Mindfulness". Or, alternatives are the Mindfulness Motion Exercises of Yoga, Qi-Gong, Tai-Chi.

Also possibly researching Asperger's and what those people do that are helpful for them might be helpful.

Possibly finding a structured support group that's small and you fit in and you don't have to talk you can always pass and just listen. That might be helpful. Would need to find out what's available in your area. Find someone who's familiar with what's available in your area. (The school might know, or might even have something set up. Colleges may be more likely to have something set up. Though it's kind of hit or miss. Sometimes many groups exist, sometimes no one ever bothered setting up a group.)

There are Qi-Gong videos on youtube. I've never done it alone, always enjoyed doing it in a group.

Buddhist places often have meditation classes. Other places might also have groups or classes. (Not sure if to call it a group or a class. Usually someone leads, it may be a guided meditation, where someone guides the group through the meditation.

Oh, there's also a lot of guided meditation apps you can download onto your phone. (Again, it's the practicing it that makes it work. Maybe start with just one minute. See if you can focus your mind on the present moment for just one minute, and let go of those endless thoughts for just one minute. Most people can do it for about 10 seconds, then their mind starts to wander. When your mind wanders, gently bring it back to the present moment and let go of that thought. The mind will probably wander every 10 seconds or so. Just keep bringing it back to the present moment.)

[If you want something to research, "Sympathetic Nervous System & Parasympathetic Nervous System", or "Polyvagal Theory."]

Best wishes!