[hocus pocus]

Depression around my Birthday

By: Essa (MerESSAmaid)

[Cassie: I noticed you used the word "usually" a lot. I put those mentions in orange. To change it up, could you use some synonyms? If you're stuck for ideas you can try "typically" "mostly" "normally" or "most of the time". If you don't want to change them all, you can also delete a few uses of "usually" entirely.]

Birthdays are usually a day that people really look forward to. But However, I know that some people really dread them and become depressed when they are coming up. I myself am one of those people that get anxious and depressed when my birthday is coming up. I am going to try and explain why I think this happens and how I plan on stopping the things that usually happen for me this time of year.

When my birthday is coming around I get excited but I also get ]nervous. Ever since my 18th birthday it has become something I have mixed feelings about; I never thought I would make it to my 18th birthday and when I did I was excited but surprised at the same time. Therefore, ever since then I usually become depressed and most of the time end up on a 51/50 [Cassie: Could you explain what this is for people who are unfamiliar those who may not have been to a hospital for mental health reasons before?]when this time of year comes.

I was talking to my therapist the other day about this, and we explored the reasons on why I think this happens. I have come to the conclusion that it is because I expect more from the day and I end up being let down by those expectations. I usually don’t have friends to celebrate my birthday with, and every year it seems like I get less and less people wishing me a happy birthday. I always hope that my best friend who is like a sister to me will say happy birthday, but she usually doesn’t and that really disappoints me. See, birthdays for me used to be big pool parties with friends and once I got older they would include sleepovers. But now that I am older I usually do not do anything for my birthday besides a birthday dinner and cake.

You know how you always look forward to your birthday presents? Since I have gotten older I am usually the one that picks them out, so I know exactly what I am getting. I always hope that there will be at least one surprise present but most of the time there isn’t. So, this is another thing that I make a big deal out of but it usually never turns out to be a big deal at all.

I usually get so depressed that I do not know how to handle it and get suicidal and end up on a 51/50 hold. This year I plan on making sure that, that doesn’t happen. I think I have put some good plans into place. My mom has taken the day off work;, since she is off we are going to have a mommy/daughter day, while my sister stays with my grandparents, because she usually ends up ruining the day for me in some way. We are going to be going to the zoo, since we have free tickets, plus and I have been wanting to go for a while now. After I spend most of the day with her, we are going to come home and have my birthday dinner and cake. The days after my birthday I am going to try and make them as normal as possible and keep myself busy. [Cassie: Could you reword this to make it flow better?]

I really hope this works and I can stay out of the hospital. If this happens to you my advice to you would be, to try to and make plans on your birthday so you know exactly what you are going to do, that way you won’t be disappointed. I would also suggest spending time with the people you love, and surrounding yourself with love and support from family members and friends. Do not get so hung up on how many happy birthdays you get on your social media accounts. Just try to enjoy the day.

This is how I plan on not going into a depression and ending up in the hospital for my birthday. [Cassie: I don't think this can stand on its own. Could you add more to it, or maybe move it to a different area such as the second to last paragraph where it could fit better?]