[Jess~]

It's just hard to break up with him because there's good things about him too, even besides the things I talked about in this post.
My number one concern right now is to stay safe and make sure my family's safe, so I'm kind of scared to proceed with anything until I know all my options and can think about the situation with a clear head. Right now I'm still just trying to wrap my head around it.

I've told my two closest IRL friends and my two closest online friends. The IRL friends and one online friend said to go to the police, one said not to. Personally I don't feel like the incident itself was enough to warrant starting a whole new report and case all over again. I mean, I literally just got done with the fucking rape case. To go through all that legal shit again would be exhausting.
There is a fingernail mark in my neck from where he broke the skin from grabbing so hard, and I think there's a small bruise appearing as well. I talked to someone on a domestic violence hotline and she said to get checked at a hospital, because apparently choking can cause damage that kills you even weeks later. I don't think what he did to me was the worst case of choking by any means, and realistically I don't think I'm going to die from it. But even if I thought I was, there's no way for me to get medical help because we don't have insurance and I don't know of any free options for going to the doctor.

I'm obviously going to break up with him, but I just want to do it safely. My friends are most concerned about the fact that he said if I cut him off, he'll just show up at my house. I could tell he was joking when he said that, I know he doesn't have a gun, and I really doubt he'd actually come do something to me. But I'm just terrified of downplaying the situation and then something really bad happening to me or my family and it'll all be my fault.

I really, really wanna talk to a counselor about this. I even branched out, since my rape counselor is booked for awhile, to my college's mental health counselor. But my appointment isn't until next week, and he wants to hang out every single weekend. I don't know how to tell him I don't want to hang out this weekend without making him suspicious or super mad again.

I guess I just feel like the situation is a ticking time bomb and so I don't want to make the wrong choice, because I feel like any wrong move could get me into an unsafe situation.


So I just really need to know if this is bad enough to the point I should tell the police. I don't think it really is, but then again I didn't think the rape was at first either. I don't want to decide it's not, then shower and have the marks heal, and then have a professional counselor tell me I should report it.