[Jess~]

We had a long 3 day fight over something last week and ever since then things have been really tense and I've felt like I can't even communicate things to him without being afraid of getting him mad. Last weekend, he was supposed to meet my parents, who still don't know about him. But honestly throughout all of those arguments, I was definitely considering ending it. Or maybe not me ending it myself, but I definitely, in my heart, thought that we weren't going to be together after this. So I wasn't planning on even hanging out with him this weekend, I didn't tell my parents about him, nothing. And honestly, I really didn't want to see him this weekend. It sounded kind of nice just staying home.
Throughout Saturday we talked, he kept trying to hang out, I'd come up with excuses, he'd get mad, etc. But we finally got on good terms and he came up with an idea for us to hang out that night and the next morning.
I eventually told him that I wanted to, but explained how I just knew my parents wouldn't believe me. He got mad, of course, because what doesn't get him mad. And so I panicked and said, "Alright know what, I'm sick of this, do you wanna come meet them right now so we can just get this over with?" I was BSing completely, even though I am tired of living like this. I think a lot of the stress in our relationship is coming from the fact that it's all about lies and sneaking around, and if we could just relax without any pressure, maybe it'd be easier to judge whether we should be together or not.
But he got really happy that I was being so bold about it, finally, and said he was about to leave to meet them right now. Of course, as soon as I went to tell them, they said they were going to the store and wouldn't be back for a few hours. By then it would be too late.
I told my boyfriend this and he got pissed yet again and just said, "Fuck it, see you next weekend."

I guess he got over it again, though, because this morning he said he wanted to hang out. He lives like 30 minutes away, and I didn't tell my parents I was "going to the mall with my friends" until after he had left. Well, when I told them, they said that since the shoes they bought me for work were the wrong kinds, I need to go with them to the store tonight to try some on.
After I met my boyfriend up we went to breakfast I hadn't told him I needed to leave earlier. So when we got to some park to hang out, I told him. He got mad that I wouldn't tell him sooner, because then he wouldn't have driven all this way just for a few hours. But I told him I didn't know until he was already on his way. We just sat there in silence for a little until he said, "Alright well, come to the car for a minute." So we got in the car and I thought he was going to try and turn this into a positive, by making the most out of the few hours we had together and that we were going to drive somewhere else or something.
But instead he told me to lay my head in his lap, so I did. Then out of nowhere he started choking me with both hands really hard. He does sometimes, but never that hard. It's a kink for both of us, but this time was out of pure anger. It was so bad that there was no way I could breathe, and I tried to tell him to stop multiple times but I could literally feel my throat touching the other side when I tried to talk. Usually when he chokes me and it gets a bit too hard, I'll just tap his arm and he'll keep going for a few more seconds then stop. But this time I was straight up hitting and scratching his arm and he didn't stop. At one point he let his grip loosen a bit, to give me a little breath, until he kept going again, for longer.
I started crying almost immediately because I was so fucking terrified. Even now reliving that, I'm crying hard. It was probably one of the scariest physical moments of my life, only second to being raped.

The scariest part is, my rapist choked me hard too, but even he didn't choke me like that. He just did it enough to hold me down. But my boyfriend, I could literally feel how angry he was with me.
I sobbed for almost an hour after that happened. Like the deep, hiccuping sobbing where your breaths are staggered and it's almost like a hyperventilating kind of crying. The panicky crying, I guess.
He didn't seem too sorry after. Like he let me cry for obviously a long time, and I wouldn't look at him I just stared out the passenger window. But finally he made me look at him. I honestly am just rambling right now because I truly don't remember what he said after that or whether he said sorry or not. I want to believe that he did, but I don't remember. I think I might've had a panic attack.

A few hours afterward, he asked why I was crying for so long after it. Part of the reason was because, you know, I felt legitimately fucking afraid for my life. Part was because I was horrified someone who "cared" about me would hurt me like that. But a big part was the powerlessness I felt. I think that's already a terrifying feeling, but after experiencing it in a traumatic situation like rape, to go through that similar feeling of not being able to do anything to save yourself is hell, honestly. It took me back to that moment and I think that's the biggest reason I started panicking and sobbing uncontrollably.
The thing is, once I told him it was because when I was raped the guy did that to me too, he didn't say sorry. He didn't say he would never do it again. This motherfucker said, "Well, I'm not that guy. Don't associate me with him. Just know that his situation wasn't your fault, but this one is. So when I do this in the future, just know it's because of something you did. Most of the time."
Anything I started to feel for him before that moment has completely vanished. I just feel numbness for him. I lost all trust I have gained in him up until this point, which isn't a lot. I don't have feelings for him, but I still think losing the "boyfriend" figure would hurt me a bit.

Obviously if you judge our entire relationship on that, any reasonable person would be telling me to break it off immediately. I called a close friend right now and he and his girlfriend both begged me to call the police. Even my parents, a long time ago, said that if a boyfriend ever hits me, to just run as far as I could and get him out of my life, because if he would hurt me once, he would hurt me again. But he didn't hit me. I know this is obviously some kind of abuse though, right?

But what's confusing me, and the main thing holding me back from breaking up with him, is the good things he does. Like, he looks like the best boyfriend on the outside. He buys me gifts and today he brought me flowers out of nowhere. Yeah we just had our fight over the threesome, so maybe it was an apology or a peace offering. But I was still really surprised. He always wants to treat me to nice food places and when I told him that my parents were helping me buy my work uniform stuff, he got mad and said that I should've told him, because he would've bought it for me.
Aside from tangible items, the things he says are gushy gross things from romance movies. The shit I thought nobody in real life would ever say while taking themselves seriously. Stuff like, "I want you to be mine" and "I want to do everything I can to make you happy."
At first he made me happy, I think because he was a new thing and new things are always exhilarating. But honestly, now when I hang out with him, since he rushed me to say yes to dating him, I feel like I'm dating a complete stranger. I realized that I hate this way of dating, because now I feel trapped with someone I don't even have feelings for.

The most concerning thing to me is that today he dropped the L bomb. Towards the end of the day, after we kissed he hit my arm playfully and said, "God dammit I love you." I didn't even know how to respond, because again, only dating a month. It took me a year to realize I loved the first guy I said it to. Now I try to avoid saying the word at all, outloud. I think he was surprised he said it too, because he started stuttering and then said, "Well I mean, I love you this much" and held up his fingers to make barely a centimeter.


So yeah, sorry for the long post, but I think that's everything. I really don't want to see him next weekend. Honestly, I feel like I just want a break. But now he's emotionally invested and I'm terrified he'll get mad at me. I think he was afraid I would break up with him after the whole choking thing, because he joked like, "what if you just go home and delete my number and cut me off because of this." Honestly I was considering doing exactly that. But then he said that wouldn't work because he has my address so he'd just show up.
I'm also terrified that if we took a break he'd start having sex with other girls. As stupid as it sounds, even after what he did I still don't want to lose him to some other bitch. I don't think it's so much the "losing him" that would hurt me, it's more being left yet again for someone who's better than me. Yet again being second best. Yet again being "cheated" on.

I don't know, I'm so scared.