TeenHelp - View Single Post - Non-PG13: Cutting again because I wanted the scars back?

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Hey,

I cannot really tell you why the scars appeal to you. I can tell you that one of the reasons that I had difficulty recovering was because I was really worried about not having new scars. I didn't really care about new cuts, per se, but I didn't want my arms to heal and not show signs of fresh scars. I think this might be common for a lot of people. I can also say, that for me personally, leaving scars didn't make recovery easier. In a way it made it a bit more difficult because those around me felt compelled to tell me how great my arms were looking because my scars had faded (they went from some being really purpl-y to now being a white-ish color). These comments used to trigger me quite a bit and it would sometimes get to the point where I wanted to cut just to make new scars. I did have to talk to the people that were making these comments and it was difficult because it's not something I understand completely and so it was really hard to explain to others that their comments were triggering me and upsetting me. There are still times when these same people will make comments about it but it definitely isn't as constant as it once was.

I am not 100% sure how you can go about dealing with this because, at least for me, the desire for new scars has never truly gone away. It definitely isn't as constant or as strong but there are times when I will look at my scars, knowing full well they will likely never fade completely due to how bad the self harm was, and I get really freaked out about their fading and I contemplate cutting again. The biggest reason I don't go back to self harm is because I don't want to fall into that hole again and go back to a place where I am harming myself every day or every other day and doing it to the point of needing stitches.

I think, that for you, you have to find that thing that will give you motivation to stop cutting. Initially, for me, that motivation was trying to avoid getting sent to a residential treatment where they could keep me for a relatively long time and upend my life. After I started recovering and the threat of residential wasn't as severe I did have to find new motivation. And, so I think, the same is going to apply for you. You have to find that thing that will give you the desire to stop self harming. It is really hard to do and in all honesty I don't know that I would have ever entered into recovery for self harm if I hadn't been threatened with residential etc.

I know this probably isn't all that helpful but I do believe that you can get through this. It just might take time. Be patient with yourself.