[sharklk]

Hi my name is Devin and I am a gay 17-year-old in high school, starting my junior year. The problem that I want advice for is that essentially my freshman year, i fell in love with a boy. They are in the grade above me, and we had one class together which was band. we talked kind of often and then I begin to sit with him at lunch, leading us to talk a little bit more (but not super often, this was only 20 minutes of the day) and then what started off as a simple crush, turned into crazy, falling in love. He was/is my first love. and so essentially when the semester changed in December, we no longer had a class/lunch together and I got very, very depressed because I truly loved him and couldn't talk to him (he has no social media), and couldn't talk to anyone else about it either (I'm not out of the closet, and don't want to be as of right now). it was the hardest thing of my life - loving someone but not being able to talk to them. it sucked. then the thoughts of him hating me(i don't know why, but as an insecure freshman maybe he thought I was clingy/liked him, and that made me even more depressed) I got to talk to him a little bit that next April, the April of 2016, (literally ONE conversation). and he was really nice and it was good, but then since after I didn't talk to him again - I haven't talk to him since. it's been over year and a half, but we haven't had any class together because he quit band and so I only saw him briefly in the halls and couldn't really talk to him. I have gone to therapy (winter of 2016, for another issue - unrelated but I just needed someone to talk to), but I talked about him too and I started to get better. and these past nine months, especially in the summer when I NEVER saw him, were the best yet. So fast forward to this fall, I feel like I'm pretty much over him. I don't really care when I see him in the hall - my heart starts to beat a little faster out of habit, but for the most part I'm over it… And then today he started talking to one of my best friends again… they were friends freshman year, she was one of the main reasons I got to talk to him (she didn't know I liked him obviously but they would talk and I would talk with them), but they haven't talked in the longest and now today they did., and he came up while I was walking with her. I felt like I was gonna have a panic attack. I realized that the feelings aren't as strong (especially when he's not around, I forget he exsits, and I'm definitely out of the depression), however they are still there and I don't know what to do because I'm getting the same feelings of like not being able to talk to him, and the sadness. part of me wants to just try to go up to him and talk to him or if he ever talks to my friend again definitely get in the conversation (it was so random when they talked, I don't know if they will again but....) or something just so I can fucking stop with this terrible cycle of your running, and lowkey chasing him to try to talk to him to get some fucking closure or something… maybe that's what i need - closure? I don't know. I realize that he's not perfect, and that I might not even like him when I talk to him again, but that's what closure would bring. however it's hard to get over someone when you don't know their flaws/what you wouldn't like about them, and still hanging on to a thread. Another part of me just wants to just try to brush it off, and just move on with this year because this is his senior year and next year I probably will never see him again… However I feel like I might regret that and also that's why I tried to do freshman year (even though now I am a lot more emotionally strong) and it ended in a fucking trainwreck with depression. And no, I don't want to talk to any of my friends about it, I don't want to come out, especially not over a boy that I like. And yes, he is gay so I did/do technically have a """""chance""""" with him, I wasn't liking a straight person this entire time. Any advice appreciated!
Devin

TL;DR: I need help deciding how to talk to or move on from a love who broke by heart (not on purpose, we weren't dating it was a major crush) and is now around/talking to one of my best friends.