[organizedchaos]

Okay so I was really excited for college to start, but now I'm freaking out! Holy shit I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest right now!

It's not the classes that I'm really worried about either... Only a couple of them because they're the ones I'm interested in pursuing as a career and I have serious self worth issues so I'm worried I'm going to suck at them and find something else to do with my life. The rest of them are required for me to graduate high school (since this is technically still my senior year) so they're basic introductory courses that should be fine since I've always been and honors and AP level student.

What I'm terrified about is making friends... I've gone a few years now with no one, and even when I did have friends they weren't good for me. So now I don't even know if I'm capable of healthy relationships (again I have zero self worth).

This is my chance to have a fresh start and make life worth living. I don't want to spend another year with no friends spending all of my free time hiding in my room depressed because I'm all alone. I'm terrified because if I can't do it here, then what happens when I go off to a 4 year school next year? If I can't do it here then I won't be able to do it there either, and after that in the real world I'll be just as screwed. I'll just be alone forever.

I used to be good at this, but after years of being alone I'm starting to wonder if I even deserve friends.

A few weeks ago I did this thing at a college and I was ok there after a bumpy start, but this feels different. this isn't just one night this is my first year of college it feels so huge...

I don't know anymore. I'm freaking out and I can't sleep but I need to, and I need some advice. How should I act? What should I say or do if I start to get nervous? I'm also scared if they know I'm still only 17 they won't want to hang out with me, do you think that's true? Is it weird to just go up to a group of people and try talking to them, or should I try just talking to people that are alone? And what about clubs, would it be weird if I joined some of them, because a few of them seem really cool but I feel like anything I do there is going to be viewed as weird...I'm really freaking out right now guys this literally just hit me like a punch to the face.