[shlomit]

Self injury is considered a process addiction, much like gambling or sex. Generally, the saying in addiction recovery circles is "once an addict, always an addict." That can be a little discouraging to hear, since it means that urges to injure may linger to a degree for some time, even after significant stretches of abstinence. It also means that for you, self injury is a compulsive and tolerance-building activity, so your options are control are your self harm or allow it to control you.

I think you would be amazed if you knew just how much people can do when they have no other choice. I promise that you are stronger than you ever thought you could be. You said that your dad has given you an ultimatum and that your mom's house is not supportive place for you to live. I want you to be in a stable and supportive environment. Can you use this as an incentive to strengthen your resolve to stay clean? It sounds like your dad feels helpless and doesn't know what to do to keep you safe. Could you work together with him to come up with a safety plan that benefits both of you?

The most important thing you can learn in recovery is that emotions are by definition impermanent. It is simply impossible for your self harm urges to last forever without diminishing in frequency or intensity. All you have to do is keep holding on and do whatever it takes to get to that point before you can let go. Is night the hardest time for you? That's how it is for me as well. The best advice I have is just go to sleep. Sleeping is good for you and it's a guaranteed way to keep yourself safe. Staying up and ruminating isn't good for people with depression.

I'm proud of you for sticking it out so far. Keep going.