[mel098]

um well hi, my names melissa and ive been feeling pretty lonely for these past few years. Im 16 years old, going into junior year this fall, and i just thought i would let out all my thoughts on here since i seem to be too embarrassed to talk about it with anyone i actually know. about 3 or so years ago going into 8th grade, i dont know why, but i was feeling really unhappy with myself. looking back at it now i had everything that i want now but for some reason i decided to push it all away at the time. then, i had my group of friends that i would hangout with ALL the time. i still kind of talk to a few of them but not nearly as much as i used to before, and although most of them were fake ass douchebags i still miss hanging out with them cause i had fun with them. I also used to be a cheerleader which i also decided to quit at that time to do volleyball. after quitting cheer in 8th grade, i got really distant with all of those friends but at the same time got a little closer to my volleyball friends, which made it not so bad. anyways, i started staying in a whole lot more, trying to fix all the little things i didnt like about myself or the things in my life. it sounds so so stupid when i say this out loud but for some reason, in my head, i thought this was a good idea and that my life would be better once i got to fix all those things. this is when i started to make fake excuses and avoid going out to do things with my friends when they asked so i could just stay home and watch tv or youtube. i gradually started getting really distant from everyone, but i didn't care. i just stayed home on my laptop, watching youtube all day or binge watching shows, and i was okay with it for awhile. but then i started to notice how isolate id become and began to blame it on other people, telling myself that they ditched me. going into sophomore year, i decided to quit volleyball too as i was gonna start taking much harder courses and thought that i personally couldn't handle doing both at the same time. now i have no hobbies or activities to keep me connected with my friends and i all i would do on my free time was pretty much just stay home and watch stuff. this made me super lazy with everything and a hell of a procrastinator, which i still am. probably why im in this mess in the first place.



overall, i just feel like i have no friends that im actually close to, and that i actually really like, i care about what other people think way more than i wish i did, and i have all of these really petty insecurities that i just cant seem to get past for some reason. people on here are probably just gonna say to keep making plans with people or something like that but whenever i try to, sometimes it works out, but other times people just dont answer. also, its always me trying to make plans, no one ever tries texting or calling me to do anything and its kind of a shitty feeling. tbh the events that have led me here are super unclear to me and while typing this i feel like im just being super whiny and that people probably have much bigger problems to deal with. but idk ive cried so many times because of how pathetic i feel and i just thought id give this forum a try.



i dont know if any of this came out the way i wanted it to, it all probably sound pretty stupid tbh, but i just really dont know how to get out of this hole ive dug myself into and any kind of help would be nice. thanks.