Okay so this is going to be a long story , please bear with me:
Something about me :
I'm turning 20 next month and a college undergraduate.
I've been single since 2 years after my 2 year old girlfriend cheated on me and just walked out of my life.I was hurt alot , but I somehow moved on I guess .
I'm very introverted , but having said that , not socially awkward but hard to start up conversations for me. I think of myself as a mature guy unlike most of the fuckboys it's filled up with , and my weakness is I'm not able to initiate with the person I like! Having learnt from my relationships and self - esteem , I believe that the people who love you are worth the time over the ones you have a crush on and thus waited patiently until now.
So we had a summer internship and about 15 people from our college did it from the same place ( let's call the whole group G ) and bonded pretty well. So there was a girl , let's call her X. Before the internship began , I had pretty opposite and bad descriptions of her being rude and having alot of ego issues.
But this changed drastically , we became good friends , the group of 15 bonded strong , we used to eat together , hang out together , even joke about X's virtual boyfriends which we made up to a list of 7 , but I had this emotional connection with her and alot of touchy-touchy going on from her side ( initially ) and it became a routine for both of us. Like we'd behave as if we were committed on a normal basis , talking with the eyes and so on.
Coming to the end of the summer , she showed the same touchy-touchy with one of the guys in the group of 15 ( a mutual friend ) which initially shook me because I was kind of feeling jealous , so I felt un-special as she was physically very open with most of the people.
I have to be honest , I started liking her because there used to be times when I was sad / mood off and no one got to know , but she used to come to me when I was alone (like talking in a subgroup amongst the group ) and ask me what's the sadness for , etc? She understood me like no one ever did ( probably not even my ex ).
I was still unsure whether she likes me back or not? But she started acting intimate with me , hugging me alot and telling me she'll miss me when we won't meet later on. I kind of felt bad too .
And the group G slowly realised that we both liked each other and would jokingly add me 8th in the lover's list! We'd both blush a lot but put it off with "Are you serious , this failure? " or "With this retard , in the whole world?".
Also she never used to reply to my texts as if she liked me but only casually. We'd throw petty insults and joke about each other but that was about it. However she was really really sad when it was the last day of that internship ( we used to live nearby , kind of together ) and she messaged me she'd miss hitting me (we used to hit each other a lot for fun ) .
Moving on , back to the college campus and we meet sometimes , but It's just her nature is very easy going and extroverted , and physically very touchy with all the friends especially with me and I think this is what attracts me along with our very strong emotional connection. But I was sure she had something for me until
we were just talking about how famous we had become in the college , courtesy to the videos and hugging moments / pictures group G recorded and of course the thing spread out to others on the campus.
We were joking on this and how other boys teased me and couple my name with her , but then she looked down and said in a sad tone " It's just that I have a boyfriend so people don't doubt me as much ". I thought she was kidding with me but she wasn't lying. Since then I've been left shocked.
and she asked me surprisingly whether I was unaware of her having a bf , to which I replied I already knew (and supposedly everyone in G knew for we used to tease her with names before but I was totally unaware she was in a serious relationship already ) . But the truth is I was unaware that she was committed and I felt sad for having myself attached to her so well and now I'll be hurt for the rest of the time . I felt guilty for having all these physical contacts with her ( to the point she even boob-brushed me twice , laid her head on my shoulder , but hey I didn't know what's up!).
So yeah , hence the title.
We both have a very very strong emotional connection but she has been with her boyfriend ( for about 6 months - 1 year I gather ) and he's not on campus for the next 6 months (He's 1 year senior to us ).
I've read about people with similar stories and finally decided to distance myself for the her good ( and probably mine too ) because I can't see her as just a friend , so It's better to let emotions fade away so she'll forget me and carry on with her possibly stable relationship.
But no , we have a meet every 15 days or something ( someone's birthday in G , etc. ) and I'm acting as if I'm depressed or anything and It's very hard to hide them emotions from G members , especially her for they recognize and I'm speechless on what to say. So I just don't speak much , try to avoid conversations , don't laugh and talk like we used to do and it brings up suspicion for what's wrong with me in them and it's getting harder to interact with them anymore.
On the other hand , I'm famous in the hostel for It's being claimed that she's my girl ( seeing our pics and videos from before ). Well it's all jokes on me , but I just can't admit that I didn't fall for her and my expression gives it away while this makes me feel blushing but also sad for she can never be mine.
In short , I'm trying to do what a man should and keeping my distance . But in the latest meet , I was sad during the whole conversations and while going back she suddenly comes and hugs me from the back and saying ( I could be in the 'list' aswell ) and we have a casual talk thereafter. I don't know if she was joking or what , but it had a different tone to it. While she doesn't look like her boyfriend is troubling her , it's often seen she makes excuses without any reasons ( say going on a trip with G ) , and avoids updating her profile pictures with us in it , I'm guessing because her boyfriend might not like that , on the other hand she's physically so close with everyone and ALOT with me.
And I haven't told her that I like her and same with her , but she sometimes looks at me like that ( alot of times amidst when everyone's conversing / laughing ) .
And we both blush up when our G friends tease us with each other's names jokingly , we never accept we like each other in that moment , but never deny anytime too!...
What could it mean? Is she breaking up with her bf? , Or am I her 2nd crush? I'm totally confused about what should I do , I really really like her and sure won't find anyone like her , but that's the beauty of loving someone , uniqueness , right?
The fact that she understands and cares for me , probably her physical touch is what I'm attached to and the way she is able to decipher from my eyes.
So She's a special person to me which I see as more than a friend , but she's already committed and I'm pretty sure she's confused herself. We've not talked this out but she knows that we both like each other and feels rather constrained with her relationship stopping her.
I'm not sure what should I do , but If I keep seeing her , I'm not able to stop falling in love with her , talk about efforts to fall out of love , in vain
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Sorry for the long text and my bad English , I hope experienced teens can guide me on this , Thanks