[Jestervice McPunnington]

I remember when I was a simple being and you treated me with such affection that I never saw anything wrong, but with how frustrated I felt. I blamed myself as much as you both did, when in reality, it was the wrong way around. As a child that you ignorantly misinterpreted for scapegoat, at the mercy of your hypocritical criticisms, I felt resentment and contemplated homicide and suicide for many years. Perhaps it wasn't entirely your fault due to your own childhoods being abusive and my serious lack of a father. However, this doesn't change what has happened.

I sometimes criticised myself for not running away as a kid, because at least as a kid, people are softer towards you. Still, I know none of that ever mattered now. You chose physical affection over getting to know the mind of the one you raised and that was your loss. I will care for you, but no more or less than in a material fashion as you did and still do for me. I will allow only those who love all of me the capability to walk through my mind and let them see the wonders I do in this world.

Negative emotions aren't always a bad thing and you should feel bad for imposing such thoughts. I am allowed to express myself the way I want to without having to feel bad about it, as it wouldn't hurt anyone nearly as much as you hurt me. This is not pessimistic, this is healthy and you will learn to accept it one way or another. Through me, or through someone else, you have as much to learn as I do. Perhaps more in the way of filling another's emotional needs rather than remaining so uncaring and manipulative.

This is only in the future, however. A future with those I can trust my emotions with, when I temporarily visit you out of courtesy. I will feel no more or less proud than I do already and I do not care what you think, for you never gave me such privilege. The highway is no better or worse than your way and you would be wise to realise that. You aren't all bad. Neither am I. My place isn't something you can determine for me in this world. You only impose on yourself, in that way.

There is so little we can do to control what happens, but in the few moments we perceive that we are in control, it would be better to be kind. As everything goes in circles and will return your own actions to you.

I am seeing this now in your relationships. Except, it seems a little more brutal in that they don't put the effort in at all. Kind of like me. It is a problem when it comes to newer generations. Still, I don't see any kind of motivation happening to make people work any harder than they already do. People like us know that it's physically impossible now. This isn't the 1960's anymore.

This is 2017, where there is nothing but social changes, making choices and trying to find order between what is false and what is real. We experience mind games the likes of which you've never seen. I had to juggle the meaning of reality and fantasy all by myself as a child and I never got sucked into commercials or lies in the way other kids did, simply because I was smart. I achieved that all by myself at the age of 6-9, which is a huge burden in a world now dealing with conflicts over such abstract concepts.

So excuse me for simply wanting to cry or let you know that I may or may not have health problems due to having to prolong my lack of treatment for psychological issues. I understand you are in that profession, which is all the more reason I want to keep my head out of your hands. I am not interested in being controlled or twisted into something of your liking. Telling me I need certain things instead as excuses, when it's really just a decoy so that you don't have to focus on what you did wrong. It's so disappointing.

You really don't know me at all.

I am way too smart for that.

Such lies that you bash me for only make me want to remain even more distant from you.

Good day, my dear, sweet family. May you enjoy the fruits of your labour.