[NeuroBeautiful]

To my cousin- I can't go to your engagement party becsuse our grandmother is constantly humiliating me and I can't be in the same room as her with out freaking out. We are both named after our grandmother but we havw had such different experiences of her. With you, she is proud of you and you talk on the phone regularly and she is happy with who you are and who you're growing up to be. With me, she hated me the minute I was born simply because my father isn't jewish. Since then it has been hell and living with her had been hell and a couple month back when I went to out cousin's house, she was there and she humiliated me in front of everyone. Twice that day. And many other times too. I can't be a good sport about it. I can't hold it in. I am avoiding seeing her becsuse that's the only thing left I can do to not lash out. I feel like cursing her out for being so horrible to me. For treating me like dust to be stepped on.
You're my younger cousin and I loved the days we spent time with each other years ago and I'm sorry j can't be there at an importsnt moment in your life.I'm really so sorry and I'm ashamed for my decision but I'm too afraid to see her. I'm sorry I'm so cowardly. I'm just sorry


To a friend S-you tell me to reach out to you when things are hard but i can't trust you becsuse when I talk at the support group, later on you try tk convince me that my feelings about my family are wrong.

To my friend M-I'm sorry I keep messaging you. I must be do annoying and needy. I'm trying hard to not reach out to anyone today at all. Not online, nog hotlines, nof friends. I just want to stop reaching out. I don't even want to post blog entries anymore. I just want to get to the closest thing possible to disappearing.
To my dad-I'm sorry I tell you that you don't care about me. I don't actually know that for a fact. I don't know what's inside of you. But it appears so strongly and maybe you're right that I have a distorted sense of reality. I'm just sorry for being difficult. I'm sorry you think I'm not trying and that j can't meet your expectations. I'm sorry I can't clean my room how you want it. I tried spring through papers today and couldn't continue after 10 minutes. Km Sorry YOU BROUFHT A Child To Life That you regret and that you have to live with how she turned out. I'm sorry you couldn't foresee how j would've turned out because I know you probably wouldn't have wanted me. I'm sorry that you had a second child to "take care of" the first ond and be there for her when she is lonely but I'm far from being there for mh older sister and we are in such rivalry and I'm in rivalry with my 2 younger sisters too. I must've been a warrior in my past life. All I know is war and suffering. I'm trying to find the joy but I can't find it. I'm lost and afraid and j know my pain is affecting others but j can't stop the pain and I'm trying to so other people wont be mad at me but I keep hurting people.

To god-why did you bring me to earth just to torture my soul? You're so sadistic.