[NeuroBeautiful]

Thank you for sharing. I can hear how hard things are for you. Do you like spending time with cats? The cats seem pretty happy to be around you.
There are kind of 2 directions one can go in to cope with loss. There's disengaging from the reminders, triggers etc and there's engaging into something else. It sounds like you've been doing a lot to disengage and sort of block out the triggers. Is there something you can do that engages you? From what I'm seeing, you get along with cats very nicely.

You can also alternate between engaging abd disengaging. For instance, you can do something that allows you to escape for a while (within a healthy range) and then something else to engage yourself and steer away from too much borefom. (A little boredom is actually a good thing)
For me, I color to kind of escape. But then i do something like writing that involves a lot more activity, focus etc.

Remember that a crisis is a sign that something in your life needs to change. It is only indicating the urgency of that. When we change, we also grow. And growth means we are alive.