[Thinking]

I am improving... It has never been into my head that I might be a good person, and now I am actually believing that I am a good person, that i should not hate myself. But how...

I don't know.. I just don't like myself. I really really hate myself. When I am sad I hit myself because I hate myself being sad. Idk. I just feel like hitting or slapping myself when I don't like myself, and I enjoy it.

I kept saying I never self harm because there is no blood came out of it, and it doesnt affect me physically with the hittings. So I am still normal, strong and heality after the hittings. I dont know whether is this self harm...

Recently I am having exams... and my scores are not improving, and I had resort to slap myself whenever there is a mistake and I love it... I think its because I love it so I am still not improving from the slappings and so I kept doing it... But because I love it I never improved.

Actually there are so many occasions I did something worse than this not just exams... and the bare maximum is no blood came out of it. And I love it because I hate myself...

But now I think something is very wrong about this. I am actually love slapping and hitting myself, while this method doesnt even help at all... I am so terrible

What kind of methods should I do to myself so that I will hate it and will force myself to improve and love myself more? I am not even fear of the slappings because I hate myself and so I love hitting myself, and so its not working. What things should I do to make myself fear of doing it as a punishment, so that I will learn to love myself more?

Even better question to ask is, why do I even love doing things that I hate... Why do I hate myself so much...

I hate myself..... Help me.....