[DanTheMan :P]

First of all, hey Teenhelp! It's been a while! I hope I've put this in the right sub-forum :P

After wanting to seek help from a mental health professional for longer than I care to remember, I had a particularly bad comedown after taking MDMA on multiple occasions in quick succession. I'm no expert but for anyone that doesn't know, it quickly depletes your brains stock of seratonin, so if you don't take a long break between using it, you basically just use it all up. But the thing is, I'd been tempted to arrange an appointment before in the days following a night out on it because I feel so low, but never quite went through with it, so I almost did it on purpose so that I'd feel so down I wouldn't even think twice about it, and get everything off my chest when I feel like I really need to. (Disclaimer: I definitely don't promote the use of drugs, please don't take them!)

For whatever reason I thought when I emailed the mental health department of my uni I'd get an appointment within a few days, but it was actually about a 6 week wait. This is actually probably a good thing because I wanted to ask you guys about it, as I'm terrified! My main worry is confidentiality: in what situations are counsellors/therapists (I'm not sure of the difference or which kind of professional I'll be seeing) allowed to break confidentiality? A) because I want to be entirely honest about substance use (I've been using weed on a near daily basis while I'm at uni for about 18 months, as I often struggle to sleep because I can't shut my brain off, and I regularly use it during the day for the same reason, I'm tired of fighting my own mind, and mdma more recently when I go out as I'm such a socially anxious person and it's almost like a cure for being me) and I obviously don't want that going back to my parents or university lecturers. And the other reason is I've been having what I would describe as intrusive suicidal thoughts - whenever I don't have any kind of distraction, be it work, music (although my headphones just broke) or weed tbh, because like I said it stops my mind from constantly racing, I just start thinking I want to kill myself, just all the time. And I really don't want to kill myself, honestly, but I can't stop thinking about it if I don't have a distraction, and I don't want to get taken to hospital or something, and I don't want to mention any of this to me parents because they both have so so many different stresses at the moment, and our relationship is already fragile. As well as the fact that I've opened up to one of my friends when I was on mdma about my mental health recently and they've all started treating me differently and I HATE it, (just to clarify - they've made more of an effort to be inclusive with me and be nice to me and stuff, but now all I can think is that they're only ever inviting me to hang out because they feel sorry for me and don't really want to) so I really don't want my parents tip-toeing around me like I'm a ticking time bomb. And yeah, they're both so stressed I don't think they could handle something like that.

But yeah Im rambling slightly now, but my main fear is that I'll be entirely honest with whoever I see and as soon as I mention suicidal thoughts they'll immediately report it. But honestly I feel like I really need this, I'm SO skeptical of self diagnosing myself with anything because I feel like it isn't fair to people to do have mental illnesses to go around claiming I do, but if nothing else I'm confident I suffer from anxiety and it's really starting to take ahold of my life... The thought of not having earphones worries me because now I'll be alone with my thoughts every time I'm not in the house. And for the second year in a row, I'm running the risk of practically ruining my life by not doing uni work. I managed to get an extension on 3 essays that were due in over Christmas at the start of February (because I lied to my course leader, that was a great feeling, she was so nice to me) which I'm pretty sure is actually not allowed, and yet I have still managed to not do one of them. It seems ridiculous to moan about my own procrastination but I feel like I can't help it? I go to the library so often and just don't get anything done, and I failed my first year last year because of it, and failed dramatically. But I just become numbed to it? Like I get so stressed about everything in my life, and in the end stop caring about any of it. I spent the entirety of my £1500 overdraft last year in a few months, and my parents paid off the majority of it for me which I really didn't expect, and I've spent nearly all of it again, and Im so annoyed at myself for it because I know that's such a selfish thing to do, but it's also worrying me because I'm going home in a few days and they're going to want to check my account to make sure I haven't spent all of the money they've already paid off once. But yeah, it gets to the point where I just don't care about it anymore, and instead of doing the work I need to do in order to not get kicked out of uni I spend money I don't have on substances that just eventually make me feel worse in the long run, and just don't care about it. And whilst I've been really trying not to buy weed for the last few days I've been thinking about self harm more and more lately, and whilst I really don't want any more scars, being stoned is one of the few things that stop the urges, so I'm left to choose between one self destructive habit or another...

I didn't expect to go on like that, but yeah if anyone could tell me about the confidentiality thing (in the UK) that'd be great! Thanks!