[Tigereyes]

No, actually you're right; I'm not okay. In fact, I don't think I've ever been further from okay than I am now. You say I'm lying to you, that I'm hiding this, but it's really just instinct to say "I'm fine" when I'm clearly not. I'm not trying to lie to you. I don't want to lie to you. You can always see the truth anyway. But I'm too fucked up to care. You say you want to get better for me and I've said the same to you, but maybe we're just saying what we're supposed to say, hoping that somehow it'll work out that way, but never believing it will. Because the truth is, I don't even want to try anymore. I've lost my mind. I do truly want to be there for you and I care about you so much, but how can I help you when I can't even help myself? How can I tell you to take it one day at a time when I can't take my own advice? Why is it we both ask each other to be safe then go do just the opposite? I'm trying to stay clean for you, and I know you want to get better for me, but that's exactly the problem. Neither of us is trying to do this for ourselves. And it kills me everytime you slip. It's killing me to know that you're just freely taking what I've been dying to take for the past year and a half. You have what I want but not what you want. You're taking what I want and seeing me when you've taken it. All I want is to ask you for some, but I know you're not giving up all you have. I know you don't want me to fuck up my life, but don't you see, I already have? I don't ask because I don't want to ruin what we have. So I suffer alone to try to silence the desperation that's about to push me over the edge. It won't take much. You know this. I know you see where I am. But you won't say anything, and neither will I. But I can't just sit back and watch you destroy your life. So I will try to help you anyway. I will try to save you. Even if I lose myself trying.