[Natalie27]

Hi all,

As late last year my grandfather took his own life. Ever since then I haven't contemplated suicide but I've thought of the general topic of it and how things could be good or bad if I was no longer around. Again, I've never was considered the literal actions of it as I wouldn't want my family to go through what they did when my grandfather passed away.
Just after he passed away, I opened up through a letter on my birthday (strange I know) about be harming close to this day and how I felt so ashamed. The youth worker at my school eventually saw me that day and took it up with another counsellor (higher than his role) who later contacted my mum.
The thing is, lately I haven't harmed but the idea of suicide and self harm is still on my mind. I hope this makes sense. No actions in wanting to do either of them but rather considering the choices I have made and/or if I'm wanting to go 'there' basically. (Meaning to harm or not). But it's gotten to the point where I'm nearly lying about my emotions SO:
My mum knows I've harmed in the past and I want to prove ever so hard to my youth worker at school that I'm on the mend however truth be told I'm really not. My counsellor outside of school has finally recommended medication for my depression and although I'm not on them as of yet and it seems liek glory days like "Oh she's finally realized my pain", it hasn't sunken in and I just feel like I'm still or back in square one. I think I personally seem okay until it gets to the extent of me overthinking things and questioning it all. I know it's okay to speak up as I've done it in the past. I also started writing letters to show this youth worker at school how I feel when I couldn't speak it. I just don't know where to take things from here. Someone please tell me it'll all be okay or tell me what I should be doing??
Expressing my self to the truth I know that!