[prollyshouldntbehere]

Ill try and summarize this, but it'll still take a second. I labeled this as triggering, because i don't want anybodies death on my hands. Quite the opposite actually. This discusses several topics that might make someone go over the edge, such as how alone we are. Please read responsibly.

I went through three stages of solving my depression, and i didn't plan them out. They just sorta happened.
1.) I made friends with Darkness. That's what i call him. He's my emotions, all the bad and good in one. Mostly bad. He's my desire to kill, torture, and beat the fuck out of people on a daily basis. He's my sadness and anger, my hatred and malice. But what i didn't realize is that doesn't make him bad. You know what they call people with a desire to kill? Soldiers. It came to me, "Why not just join the military? Ill get paid to kill people legally!" Makes sense if you think about it. Just do the military, and all the serial killer problems are solved. Simple enough eh? I also cut myself and did other self harm stuff. Darkness helped me realize why. It wasn't to feel anything besides pain or solve an issue. It was because i LIKED it. I realized I was a masochist. Pain was pleasurable. I still have regular conversation with Darkness. Some times it feels like hes the only one that understands me.

2.) I had to realize that i was alone. As we all are. No one will ever care about us as much as we have to care about ourselves. You can't trust anybody, because they will all betray you. And yes, that is from personal experience. No one thinks like you. No one feels like you. No one will ever understand you. This isn't because you are worthless or useless or the problem at all. Its because its human nature to look out for yourself. One of my favorite quotes is, "The world is great for those who think, and terrible for those who feel." We feel. We want to help everyone. We understand everyone else. But no one else understands us. They never will. And so we have to think. We have to care about ourselves because no one else cares about us. We are all we've got. We are alone. It is just me, myself, and I. And odds are that's all it ever will be.

3.) I had to take control of myself. Don't let your emotions rule you. Darkness is my friend, not my master, the same way i am not his. It's a partnership, where you both put the foot down sometimes. Everything is calculated in my mind. What next step to take in the conversation 3-4 steps down the line, how this will affect the future, whether or not I should help this person, I wonder what they'll have to offer me in the future, etc. Once you can control your own mind and emotions, you'll find it astoundingly easier to manipulate the emotions and thoughts of others. Once in a while you''ll encounter someone like you, smarter than the rest, but for the most part people aren't that hard to understand. Being a bit of a devils advocate helps in my case I guess. My point is self control. You are the one who moves around this body to do this action. You are the one who feels this way because of that. And you can be the one to say we aren't going to feel like that today.

So yeah. That's it. I still contemplate suicide, and Darkness will always be a friend, but it's getting better i guess. Now that i can live with it and understand it I'm not sure i want it to get better. Just understand you don't have to be scared of your own darkness and depression, you are all you've got in this world, and you can take control of yourself and your emotions. I want nothing more than to save peoples lives, and give them the motivation to move forward. Feel free to message me about anything. Say hi, fuck you, or send me some nice porn. All conversations appreciated and welcomed.