[7aerith7]

update: this morning, I tried to talk to my mom about my feelings when she and Dad do/say certain things to me. she victimized herself: saying I choose to feel insulted, anxious, & suicidal and therefore implying that she's done nothing to me that would put her or dad at fault in the slightest. and she raised her voice to shouting level when she interrupted me. Obviously, it made me tremble and terrified and i ran into my room and couldn't help but cry. no comfort, no compassion. she didn't even let me finish.

You know, sometimes when they've shouted at me or insulted me, I have this fantasy that one of my parents will come in my room and try to comfort me. It's never happened. I wish they would though but it's not gonna happen. So that's why I was surprised when earlier my dad came in, stood in the doorway and told me he loves me. I said, I'm so confused. I'm getting mixed messages. You say you love me AND you hate me. which one is it?" He just said, "well, we love you" and walked away.

They're just unfeeling monsters. I know with absolute certainty now that there's nothing I can do to make them develop sympathy or compassion. Me being emotionally healthy and being near them is completely impossible. I just have to wait till I can live on college campus and save up money from paychecks so I can share an apartment with roommates during the summers. It's so fucking sad that I have to avoid my family members for all my life in order to feel safe, but i have no choice.