[Chuuya]

I'm sorry that your parents have treated you this way for a while now. It is understandable to be upset by the way they are treating you and how they are enforcing their rules upon you and not allowing you any type of freedoms. I have family that is similar and I have always dreamed of going away to school to get away. It will come sooner than you realize. You will make it. You can get through it and go to school and make a life for yourself where you can live to your own standards and practice how you want to. I'm sorry that right now you are in this situation though.

Your parents are treating you in multiple unfair ways and I think maybe it would be a good idea to seek some outside help as I'm thinking you've already tried to sit down with them and be respectful about your needs and wishes. While it is a good idea to be respectful of your parents wishes and follow their rules, some of them sound like they are a little out of hand. I think speaking to an outside adult about what's going on might shed some light on what's going on and how you can help your situation that you are in. I think the main problem is how you feel as though your parents only look at the negatives of what you are doing and not on any of your accomplishments. It can be frustrating when it feels like everything you do is wrong, when in reality you are trying in many different ways to please your parents. I'm not saying don't continue to do these things like take challenging classes and engage yourself in helpful activities that will benefit you, but make sure you know that no matter how hard we try it is impossible to please people 100% of the time. No one is every going to be fully happy or satisfied with what you do. If we keep that mindset of always trying to please someone else we are going to make ourselves miserable.

You mentioned panic attacks, depression and some thoughts of hurting yourself as well and I'm really sorry that you can't talk to your parents about that because they think is shameful. Having a mental illness or struggling with certain things is not at all shameful. It shows that you are human. People get sick, and sometimes it affects people mentally rather than physically but that does not mean that it is not something that should be treated. You matter and your problems do matter. Does anyone know at all? You said you can't talk to your family at all about it, but maybe a doctor or a professional or someone at your school whom you can speak freely about it too? If you are interested maybe seeking the help of a counselor and having them talk to your parents to help them see that these are real issues that need to be addressed might help?

I know seven months seems like a long time - but you've made it so far. You first thought about college in 6th grade. Look at how far you've come. Seven months is nothing compared to that. And time will move by fast. Focus on school, focus on what you are in control of and not the things you don't have control over - like your parents reactions to things.