[7aerith7]

I don't know what to do about my parents. They are so emotionally & verbally abusive. No matter what I say, whether it's something happy, a nerdy joke, something about how I think everyone should be treated equally, JUST TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL, EVERY TIME I OPEN MY MOUTH, they insult me, belittle me & laugh at me, try to start an argument with me (apparently I never know what I'm talking about. I'm always wrong about everything), make sadistic jokes to me, or try their hardest to victimize themselves in every situation (I'm a horrible person/an ungrateful shit/ a brat/ingrate/bitch/etc). I've been a straight A student my whole fucking life (in fucking pre-ap and AP classes!), I've been doing ALL of the household chores myself since I was 14, I say Sorry to people and fucking inanimate objects 100 times a day. I HIDE FROM THEM everyday. I hear them approaching & I run into my room (which has no lock so they waltz in whenever they feel like.). I'm fed up this shit. I don't deserve this. They're evil people. They verbally wish death on anyone who isn't like them & doesn't agree with them, & in recent months, they've been discussing Nazi ideas as if that's totally normal. I have fucking anxiety attacks, some type of depression, I don't fucking know, & now I get urges to hurt myself (In hindsight, I see that that's been building up for years). I can't talk about any of this to my parents or my 3 oldest brothers b/c no one in the family is apparently allowed to have a mental illness. They think it's shameful, not real, for attention, & it's all the mentally ill person's fault. But every time I try to defend myself & my beliefs I'M THE BAD PERSON. I'M JUST SO UNFAIR TO THEM. Everything I say & do is stupid and wrong, I'm an inconvenience in their lives. I've never been allowed to be in school clubs, have a part-time job, have male friends, be physically sick, sleep or be in the bathroom more than a certain amount of hours, or show any kind of negative emotions (crying is shameful, APPARENTLY!!!!!) . WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?? I'm at wit's end. My depression & bad thoughts about life are worsening b/c of them. I can't move to college campus for 7 fucking months. College has been my dream of escape since I was 12 in sixth grade when I learned what college is, but I don't know if can make it