[asian persuasion]

Just not really sure where to go from here or what to do next. I've had clinical depression since I was about 13 or 14 and it has been diagnosed since I was 16. I was on medications for a few years as well as receiving psychotherapy which I personally found more beneficial. In Fall 2012 I started university about 4000 miles away so I had to stop therapy (by this point I had already stopped medication). That went a little shitty and I started counseling again but the psychologist I was matched with was an awful match. So I stopped seeing this psychologist and instead of switching psychologists I just never went back to utilize that service.

I just turned 23, still the prime age for onset of mental illness, and recently I've been having more and more suicidal ideations. I get them almost every day and they're pretty vivid. I don't think I would ever act on them but the fact that they are constantly there is terrifying and so is just the thought that I could act on them. I also have started to get panic attacks within the last couple of months which never used to happen before.The physical symptoms are honestly the worst part of it -- tightness in the chest, loud ringing in the ears, and dizziness to the point where sometimes I can't stand and just have to lay down and close my eyes until it passes which has never really been more than 5-10 minutes. I still am not entirely sure what triggers it and anxiety has never really been an issue with me before this either.

Between these two things, I wish I had some reason to justify why I feel like killing myself almost every week, but to be completely honest my life is pretty perfect except for the fact that the chemicals in my brain are just out of whack. I study rehabilitation and counselor education and actually am currently working for the same mental healthcare service that I went to briefly in Fall 2012. Overall, the psychologists who work there are great (still not a fan of the one I was seeing lol) but any of the ones I would actually want as my psychologist can't because it would be an ethical issue/conflict of interest since we have a personal relationship.

I'm just not sure where to go next. At my school there is a waitlist for psychiatrics so even if I wanted to get medications it would take some time and I am not even sure if that's what I want. Counseling would be my better option but I'm not even sure where to go from there either. The case worker where I work gave me a resource list of outside counselors/private practice psychologists but tbh I'm just so skeptical that once again I won't find a good match. It's just weird to me that this is the field that I work in and yet I kind of refuse to utilize it myself.

I'm not entirely sure what kind of advice I'm asking for here and I'm not sure if this is bettered suited for the Mental Health forum, but maybe just what do you think I should do? What has your experience been as far as how long it took you to find a combination of medication/counseling that worked for you? Or the right ones?